It's Hard Sometimes, But It's Worth It
by free4fallin
Summary: Follow James and Lily during their seventh year. Filled with love, jealousy, revenge and action. It's hard, but we all know that in the end it's worth it. Especially with these two.
1. Chapter 1

'I can feel it, this is going to be the year. I can just feel it' James said confidently as he walked into the train compartment that held his friends Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. James closed the door loudly and settled himself between an annoyed Remus who was trying to read and Sirius who was watching him with mild interest. James slung an arm around his two friends and smiled, letting out a sigh of content. Remus turned to his book, shrugging James's arm off his shoulder. He was used to his mates antics and knew better than to ask because he was sure James would explain further, even without an audience. Just as he predicted, James seemed unaware of his friends disinterest and continued 'I ran into her in the hallway and she didn't even yell at me' he said with a smug smile. Remus looked up and caught Sirius's amused eye. It was the oldest story in the book. James loved Lily, Lily hated James. All seventh years had given up trying to talk sense into either students, yet continued to watch with bemusement.

Sirius nodded slowly, not bothering to hide his smirk 'Well done mate, you've really accomplished a lot. And to think, it's only the first day'

James glared at his dark haired friend, but wasn't phased 'You may joke now Padfoot, but I also told her I was Head Boy.' This got Remus's attention,

'What?' he turned to James in surprise

James nodded with satisfaction, 'I'm telling you, she no longer hates me.' Both Remus and Sirius had to admit that it was an improvement. All summer both boys had come up will all sorts of hexes Lily could use on James after he told her the news. They had a right time inventing insanely unrealistic situations, and of course pissing James off.

'You're sure she understood you?' Sirius asked carefully.

James shot him a look 'I'm sure' he said forcefully 'Do you blokes want to be happy for me or what?'

Remus set his book down and glanced at James apologetically 'We're sorry mate, we're just surprised. It is good though, it's great'

James smiled at that before jumping up and grabbing his trunk from overhead. He sat beside Peter on the opposite side and began rummaging through the trunk. Remus set down his book and watched alongside Sirius as James emptied his trunks contents onto the floor. Peter frowned while avoiding the odd flying object thrown in his direction. After a couple of minutes, James sat up with a small, gleaming object in his bag, his eyes sparkling excitedly 'Aha' he cried, holding it up. The three boys peered closely to see that James was holding his head badge, a small gold pin that he was supposed to have pinned to his robes at all times.

Sirius snickered 'Someone's off to a good start', causing everyone but James to laugh.

James pinned it to his robe, before standing 'Here we go boys' he said with a nervous grin and left the compartment, leaving all his things scattered on the maroon carpet floor. Remus sighed tiredly before bringing his wand out and putting everything back into its place.

Meanwhile, James entered the meeting room. There were a couple students he recognized, sitting near the back. James gave them all a quick wave as he took his seat at the front of the room. He began fidgeting nervously with his hands. He would be the last to admit it, but just thinking about the fact that he had to work all year with Lily Evans made his heart beat faster. He had just recently come to the conclusion that she was the reason and the ban of his existence.

He was breathing deep breathes when she walked in, her long red hair tied back in a professional bun that, although he was sure she didn't realize, showed off her long neck in a way that made James shift uncomfortably in his seat. She sat down in her chair with a huff and threw her bag onto the ground next to her, all without even glancing over at James. He watched her warily, unsure of whether to crack a joke, ask what was wrong, or just ignore her. Of course, unable to contain himself, he leaned towards her and asked,

'Lily, you alright?'

She looked over at him as if she hadn't known he had been there all along. Her green eyes looked tired, and her face was paler than usual. She frowned slightly at him 'I'm fine Potter, just a bit tired.'

James tried his best to look unaffected by her choice of words, but truth was that he felt a punch in his stomach every time she uttered the word 'Potter' as if the word was an unappetizing taste she wanted out of her mouth. He had worked for 7 years to get her to call him James, he stopped calling her Evans in hopes of leading an example, but she stubbornly kept the name for him, refusing to see him in any other light.

'Okay people, be quiet and lets start the meeting so we can get out of here as fast as we can' she said, her voice confident and comfortably loud, largely different from the voice she had used just then with James. The entire room turned to her, and paid full attention to her and James. She began reading from a list she took out of her bag while James watched her, unable to utter a word. She was reading out rules, guidelines, and schedules, everything that made James cringe. She was organized and neat, while he came to the meeting with nothing planned. How was he appointed Head Boy? After Lily had finished the list, she turned to James 'Anything you want to add?' James shook his head quickly and she turned back to the other students, seemingly not surprised by James's lack of participation. Once everyone had been dismissed, James stood up and walked over so that he was standing in front of Lily. She stopped packing her bag and glanced up at him, a hint of annoyance in her eyes.

James swallowed and shoved his hands in his pockets, glancing nervously at his sneakers 'Listen, I know I didn't say much at this meeting-'

'I'm not surprised' she interrupted.

James whipped his head up at her tone, it wasn't mean or rude, it was….amused? He saw a smile play at the corner of her lips before he tore his eyes away from them 'I wasn't prepared' he admitted with a shrug. Lily smiled before standing up, slinging her bag over her shoulder. James always loved how small she was when she stood near him, only reaching his shoulders. He took a step back so he wasn't towering over her.

'I have no idea what Dumbledore was thinking when he made you Head Boy, but I know that you aren't the most…organized person out there', she let out a laugh, 'so I'm not going to scream at you, I'm tired of doing that. But I just hope you try a bit harder this year, because I don't really want to do all the work by myself.' She gave him a tired smile and he felt his breath catch in his throat.

He nodded enthusiastically 'I'm going to step it up this year Lily. Swear on Merlin' he made an erratic gesture with his hands that made Lily burst out laughing.

'I have to go, I guess I'll see you around Potter' she gave him a quick wave and exited the compartment, leaving James standing in the same spot, a wide smile on his face, and a hopeful heart that this year really was going to be it.

James met his friends at the baggage with a grin. Peter glanced up from where he was trying to find his nametag on his suitcase and noticed James walking towards them with an extra bounce in his step. He turned back to the other two and nodded in James's direction. They glanced surreptitiously over their shoulders, and both grinned as they took in his state. Once James reached his friends, he let out a long breath and smiled widely 'No yelling'

Sirius straightened 'No yelling?'

James shook his head, his smile growing 'No yelling.'

Sirius threw his hands up 'Holy fuck would you look at that' he cried, earning a few looks from fellow students.

James laughed, alongside Peter, and reached forward to grab his bag, also handing Peter his. 'I'm serious, she even smiled a couple of times' he said, in a voice that was so unlike James that no 'serious' jokes were made.

Remus grabbed his trunk and patted James on the back as they began walking towards the castle 'I'm glad mate, Merlin knows how long you've wanted this' he said sincerely. All three marauders liked Lily. Sirius thought she was a bit prissy, but she was fiery and a good time when she wanted to be. Remus thought she could be a little harsh on James sometimes, but he knew that they would get along perfectly if she accepted who he was now and Peter thought she was lovely, and very helpful with homework. They had spent _years _listening to James talk about her, and have moody spells and temper tantrums because of her, so they were all relieved that those times seemed to now be in the past.

They made their way into the castle and to their dormitories to drop off their trunks. James, not entirely sure exactly what his head duties included, decided to find Lily once he reached the Great Hall. She must have already told him during the meeting, but he had the tendency to zone out when the subjects being discussed weren't of his interest. Once they got into their rooms James fell onto his bed with a sigh, he wouldn't go as far as to call Hogwarts home, but it was pretty damn close and he had missed it over the summer. Looking over at Sirius, he could see just how relieved he was to be there, considering how hard that summer was between him and his family. 'Alright lads, time to eat?' James asked them, they all turned to look at him with curious faces. James stared back, not able to figure out why they all had such odd expressions on their faces.

'You didn't plan _anything?'_ Peter asked in an awestruck way. It took James a moment to realize what he meant before he gave him a hard look,

'Come on Pete, I'm Head Boy, I can't just go planning pranks and getting detentions this year.' Dumbledore took the risk to make him Head Boy, so he was going to do all he could to be Hogwarts best fucking Head Boy.

Sirius's mouth dropped open 'P..Prongs, you're..kidding. Right?'

James rolled his eyes at his friend who had turned a shade paler with this news 'I can't screw this up guys' He looked at Sirius 'You saw my mom when I got the badge, I can't lose it.' Sirius watched James with dark eyes and nodded slightly, although grudgingly. James understood how Sirius was feeling, they all knew James was changing, and although Remus was glad, Sirius was having trouble adjusting to his new change of behavior. There was a moment of silence before Sirius ran towards James and jumped on him, tackling him to the ground. James yelled out as he was pummeled to the ground, before erupting in laughter and started wrestling Sirius as Peter and Remus joined the fun.


	2. Chapter 2

As James walked into the Great Hall ten minutes later, a smile appeared on his face. Everyone was sitting down, there was chatter from all directions, and everyone had smiles on their faces. He missed it, he really did. The Marauders made their way to their spot at the Gryffindor table, sitting near Frank Longbottom, Marlene Mckinnon and Mary McDonald. James looked around nonchalantly, trying to find the familiar flash of red hair, but he couldn't find her. Finally, halfway through the meal, James leaned forward, tapping Mary on the arm and asking quietly 'Where's Lily?' Hoping his friends wouldn't hear, well that Sirius wouldn't hear, and make a big deal out of it.

Mary smiled slightly at James, her pretty blue eyes a little sad 'She went ahead to the Head Room'

'She's missing the meal?'

Mary nodded, 'She wasn't feeling that great'

James stood up, making Mary jump a little. He didn't realize how much ruckus he caused until he looked around and saw all his friends staring at him. He looked down and got out off the bench, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his robe 'Er… I've got to go get something' he muttered before running off. The Head Room wasn't exactly made for sleeping in everyday, it was more a room to go when you wanted peace, or to get homework done. Initially it was for meetings, but eventually that plan was ignored and it became a hangout place. James entered the key and softly entered the room, peering around to find Lily. Finally, as he entered the living room area, he found her curled up on the comfy, mahogany couch. Her hands were balled into fists and her legs were curled in tight. It took James a moment to realize that her body was shaking, and tears were glistening on her face. He took two large steps to reach her, bending down so that their faces were level, and wiped away a tear with his thumb. She opened her eyes in shock, jumping back slightly in the couch but relaxing slightly once she realized who it was. He watched her silently, her green eyes staring intently back with a deep sadness that hurt James to look at.

'Lily' he breathed, rubbing the pad of his thumb along her cheekbone. He couldn't believe she was letting him touch her. After six years of screaming matches and hexing, she was letting him wipe the tears off her cheeks. He couldn't believe he was inches away from her button nose and pink lips that he had to tear his eyes away. He couldn't believe he was so close, but not close at all. Lily opened her mouth to say something, but shut it and grimaced slightly when her bottom lip began to shake.

She sniffed delicately and blinked away the set tears that were forming 'We think everything is going to be okay' she told him in a shaky voice. He frowned, unsure whether she was going to continue or not. 'We think we're invincible, and if we're great at Hogwarts then we're going to be great anywhere' she shook her head 'but the real world isn't like Hogwarts, the muggle world isn't anything like this world. There's evil everywhere, whether there's magic or not' she frowned deeply in an effort to keep her composure. Her red-rimmed eyes met James and he couldn't find words to explain how much he felt for her at that exact moment. 'We all think magic is just going to make everything better, but…but what if it makes things worse? What if we're better off without magic James?'

Ignoring the fact that she had just called him James for the first time since they had first met, he propped Lily up and sat himself beside her, pulling her into the crook of his neck and holding her tightly. She ducked her head down and began to cry against his shirt as he gently stroked her hair. He didn't know what had happened to her, and he couldn't fully understand where she was coming from because he had never lived like a muggle. He couldn't even imagine a world without magic, but he did understand that she was hurting and she had it much harder being a muggleborn, and he was going to hold her until she wasn't hurting. After a long while of silence and the sound of Lily's tears, she said with a broken voice muffled by his shirt 'I'm sorry.'

James tilted his chin down to look at her face, her face was red and her hair was messy and she just looked so damn _delicate. _So different than any version of Lily he knew, the fiery, determined, hardworking girl that was either one end of the spectrum of emotions, never in the middle. He had never felt as if she was going to break, or crumble into pieces if touched in a way that was anything but gentle.

'Sorry for what?' he asked softly, scanning her face with his eyes

She sighed 'Sorry for making you miss the rest of the meal, sorry for getting your shirt wet, sorry for bombarding you with my problems' her voice was still small, but sounded much more Lily-like than before.

James smiled down at her 'I already ate my meal before I came, I don't really like this shirt anyways, and you're not bombarding me, you're venting.' Lily smiled a watery smile and leaned back against him. He could smell her vanilla body lotion, and her watermelon shampoo, and it was making him dizzy and utterly confused. 'Are you hungry?'

She nodded without looking at him, and when she did she was wearing a sheepish smile 'I'm starving, I'm just not in the mood to be with…everyone'

'I think Mary's worried about you'

She frowned, creating a crease between her eyebrows that James wanted to smooth out with his thumb but refrained himself. 'I know, she tries to act like she's not but she's been watching me worriedly since halfway through the summer' James wanted to ask further, he wanted to know what was making her cry but he didn't want to set her off again.

'Well then she's a good friend' James shrugged and Lily nodded in agreement,

'The best'

'So you're hungry?' She smiled as an answer 'I have a solution, come with me' James stood up and extended a hand to Lily who took it and stood up slowly, wincing as she put weight on her legs. James frowned in concern but she waved it off lazily 'I was curled up like that for an hour, my legs are just a tad bit sore' and followed him as he lead her to the kitchens. He couldn't help but walk with an extra bounce, relishing the fact that she held his hand the entire way.

During his six years at Hogwarts James had used the kitchen… well more times than any professor knew. Although he was certain that Dumbledore was aware of the Marauders use of the house elves and their wonderful knack to make your favorites, he never said a word. And James was also certain that Lily Evans, rule follower as a life style, had never entered the kitchens before, and he was right. The moment they entered, Lily turned to him with wide eyes, stared at him in wonder for a moment before proceeding to whack him across the arm. 'What the-'

'_You use House Elves to make you food whenever you wish? On top of all the meals they make each day?' _ She screeched, continuing to hit him.

He put his hands up to block her shots, which actually did hurt, and eventually got hold of her wrists and was able to restrain her 'Lily' he cried in exasperation, finally shutting her up and getting her to look at him with an eye brow raised. 'We don't _use _the Elves, we come in here and they swarm us, offering all sorts of food-'

'Because their House Elves James, it's in their blood to do that!' she cried, interrupting him. He sighed, turning her so that she was facing the small crowd of Elves that had made their way towards the pair, their expressions expecting as they patiently waited. Lily gasped and turned to James and then back to the Elves. Sally, one of the main Elves took a brave step forward and bowed,

'Miss Evans it's a pleasure to finally meet you' she squeaked.

Lily turned to James suspiciously 'How does she know my name?'

James quickly racked his brain for a valid excuse 'Er…'

'Well because he always talks about you miss!' Sally spoke up, taking Lily's attention away from his now reddening face. James sighed and ran a hand through his hair, _damn house elves._ He could just imagine the smirk that was now on Lily's face

'Oh? And what exactly did he talk about?

James could see Sally open her mouth to reply when he stepped forward, pulling Lily back behind him and crying out loudly 'I'm hungry! Is anyone else hungry?' he turned around to Lily who had started laughing 'are you hungry?'

'Mister James' Sally piped up, momentarily throwing James off his mildly hysteric rant. James turned to her questionably and she seemed to shrink slightly under his direct gaze. Seeing that, he scanned the room with his eyes and she began again 'what would sir James and his lovely lady like to eat?' She asked politely.

James could hear Lily snort slightly from behind him, a sound that was extremely unlike Lily yet he couldn't say he was surprised. Ignoring her, he bent down a little so that he was level with Sally and leaned forward, whispering into her ear.

She smiled widely and nodded 'Yes sir' and scuttled off with the other Elves to begin preparing. James then stood up and motioned for Lily to sit down at the large rectangular table in the center of the room, he sat down next to her and snuck a glance. She seemed to have improved her mood greatly since he found her in the Headroom. She was still flushed from her laughter, and a small smile was on her face. James realized with a shock, that he had been the one to make her like this. He had been the one to lift her mood. _Him!_

'So what did you tell them to make?' Lily asked him, leaning back in her chair and bringing her legs up so that she could lean her chin on her knees. James vowed to remember that tiny fact about her, he found it oddly adorable.

'It's a secret' he told him, smiling mischievously.

'I hope you know I'm a vegetarian' she raised her eyebrows at him in a challenging way but he just continued smiling

'I know'

That made her frown 'How could you possibly know that?'

'I know a lot more about you than you think Lily' he told her before his brain could catch up with mouth. Lily raised both eyebrows at him

'I highly doubt that'

He realized he could have agreed with her and pretended like he hadn't pretty much just admitted that he had been borderline obsessed with this beautiful girl the majority of his life, but then he also realized that this year was about change. And he was changing regarding maturity, but he also needed to man up and let people know how he felt, especially people named Lily. It was at that moment that he wanted to let it all out. Tell her how much he wanted to kiss her at any given moment. Tell her how hard it was to be around her and not have her as his girlfriend. Tell her that he wished he could take back all the arrogant, mean, childish things he had done, because it was those things that kept her away from him. He wanted to tell her that all he ever wanted was her, ever since first year. But it wasn't the time.

'Love, you aren't exactly the most _soft spoken _girl at Hogwarts, it's hard to ignore you'

She narrowed her eyes 'What does that mean?'

'Well, you tend voice your opinions quite loudly, I'm sure most kids at Hogwarts know more about you than you think'

'Example?'

James's smile grew. There were many examples. 'In the Great Hall second year when you stood up and demanded for vegetarian options? And then proceeded to send around a petition for vegetarian food to be served' He smirked, as her face grew red.

'Okay, that was second year-'

'OR, the time in fourth year in History of Magic when you created an entire project about the abuse of House Elves, and you weren't even assigned to do it'

Lily crossed her arms and huffed, James bit back a smile. 'Okay, so I'm opinionated, you have your bad traits too Potter'

He leaned back in his chair 'I have a feeling that this will take a while'

She gave him a self-satisfying look before clearing her throat 'You're the most arrogant person I've ever met'

He gaped at her, opening and closing his mouth for quite a while before he was able to utter a word 'What? Come on Lily, I was arrogant in first year! You have to admit I'm no longer like that!' He felt his heartbeat increase with panic, this is why she never gave him the time of day? Because she saw him as the same kid he was 6 years ago? That wasn't fair.

She rolled her eyes but faltered for a moment, surveying him with a thoughtful frown, 'Okay fine' she said slowly 'you aren't_ as_ bad', he opened his mouth to argue but she held a silencing hand up 'But…' She looked into his eyes, her frown deepening. He stared back at her, his stomach doing summersaults.

'Lily, I'm not the same kid okay? I'm no longer the 13 year old kid who hexes people for the fun of it and has a detention every night.'

She smiled slightly and shrugged delicately 'Alright, you win. You're perfect and I'm not'

He raised an eyebrow. No comment has ever been further than the truth. 'Not in the least. Lily Evans un-perfect?' He scoffed 'no such thing'

'What are you talking about?' She laughed in disbelief

'Are you kidding me? You're the picture of perfect Lily' She continued to look at him in disbelief 'Everybody knows it. You get top marks, you're bloody beautiful' She blushed at this 'Adults love you, you're organized and on top of things, you're confident and well spoken, you're faultless Evans'

She had turned a nice shade of red by now, staring down at her hands. She was saved from having to reply when Sally brought them both their plates of steaming spaghetti with red sauce, and goblets of juice. 'Thank you Sally' James told her before she ran off. He turned to Lily who was staring wide eyed at the plate 'Never seen food before Evans?' he joked, digging his fork into the pasta.

She shook her head and let out a laugh 'Merlin, this looks _amazing'_ James smiled 'I've spent 6 years here and never been in here? I can't believe I've missed out on _this!_' She shook her head before beginning to eat. They ate in silence, occasionally commenting on how delicious the food was, but no true conversation needed to be held. James felt comfortable in her presence, he felt no awkwardness in their silences, and he enjoyed just being in her presence. James was scraping the sauce off the bottom of his plate when he heard Lily set down her fork.

He looked up at her at the same time that she blurted 'I'm not faultless James' and turned red.

He frowned 'Er…okay?'

She sighed and leaned back in her chair 'I've been given this, this _standard _ever since I got to Hogwarts, that I'm just little miss perfect' She turned to James, her tone pleading, as if she was pleading him to understand what she was trying to tell him 'I'm so far from perfect it's embarrassing. I have lost _many _friends because of my so called perfection, I've had to work my ass off to keep these grades, I'm not at all happy with my appearance and most of the traits you described are also bad traits' her voice reached mild hysteria and James thought it was time to interfere.

He leaned towards her 'People don't see the real you Lily, they see the you that you project. And you ooze perfection and order. You just don't let anyone see the real you'

She looked down at her hands and began twiddling them 'Because the real me is so far from perfection' she looked up at James, and he just then realized how vulnerable she was at that moment. He couldn't keep himself from reaching out and grabbing her hand.

'You don't know that, you don't have to always be perfect Lily, you're allowed to have faults and have weaknesses. It's natural, we all have them'

She nodded in agreement 'I know' she pursed her lips and James immediately looked away, looking back when she let out a tight laugh 'I can't believe I'm telling you all this'

'I can't believe it either' he confessed without realizing it, he looked towards in fear that she was going to get angry, but she just laughed.

'I have to go James, I promised I'd meet Mary after dinner' he nodded and stood up, letting go of her hand reluctantly and pulling out her chair. She paused and looked at him seriously 'Thank you though, I haven't felt this good in a long time' she smiled slightly before leaving the kitchen. James sunk back in his chair, letting out a long breath and was very close to pinching himself to make sure his conversation with Lily had actually happened. This year was off to a weird start.


	3. Chapter 3

When James returned to the common room after sitting quite a long while in silence in the kitchens, Peter and Sirius were in the middle of a very intense game of wizards chess in the back corner. And from what he could see, Remus was nowhere to be found. James tried to discreetly make his way to his room, craving a long, hot shower to help clear his thoughts (that tended to become befuddled after talking to Lily, you can understand how badly his head would be at that moment in time) but of course Sirius saw him.

Sirius jumped up and yelled 'Prongs! Get your saggy arse over here', earning a few dirty looks from fellow Gryffindor's who didn't appreciate the noise.

James sighed tiredly and made his way towards his friends as Peter jumped up, throwing his fists up in the air and yelling 'SUCCESS! YOU LOSE PADFOOT' and earning a glare from Sirius that made Peter sit down and say no more. James sat next to Peter on the couch as Peter began re-arranging the pieces for another game.

Sirius looked up at James, his hair falling into his eyes 'You need a haircut mate' James said randomly.

Sirius gave him a weird look 'Yeah, I know'

James nodded slowly; feeling immensely tired all of a sudden. He didn't want to talk to his friends, he just wanted to shower and go to sleep. His brain needed time to process what had happened that day. He could feel Sirius watching him 'What's your problem?' he snapped, feeling suffocated.

Sirius's eyes widened almost unnoticeably and Peter stopped arranging the chess pieces. James ran a hand over his face and let out a breath 'Sorry Padfoot, I just really want to shower and go to bed and I'm tired and confused' he looked up at Sirius who was watching him with unfathomable eyes. James looked back at him for a moment before sighing and standing up, he hesitated momentarily, wondering whether or not to say something else, but he decided against it and promptly went upstairs. When he entered his dormitory, he headed straight to the shower and he could easily say that walking into the steaming shower, and letting the days events roll off him was the most satisfying thing he had felt in a long time.

He stood in the shower, the water hitting his face and chest, and closed his eyes and let the water fall off him. He _talked_ to Lily Evans. He _ate pasta _with Lily Evans. He _held_ Lily Evans while _she cried_. If that was any indication of what the years events were to bring, he was bloody pumped. But in the back of his mind, there was a nagging sensation. A fear. And it took him the entire length of his half and hour shower to realize that he was terrified that the next day Lily will go back to ignoring him, and yelling at him when he made a mistake or said something stupid. He prayed to Merlin that wasn't the case.

James wasn't asleep when his friends went to breakfast the next morning, he just didn't want to get up so he closed his eyes and regulated his breathing until they closed the door behind them. It was the first day of classes, James probably had a million Head Boy things to do, and he seemed to be developing a cold. He was drifting back to sleep when someone came into the dormitory and opened his bed curtains. Groaning, he opened his eyes reluctantly to see Sirius standing above him, an eyebrow cocked.

James let out a breath and turned over, stuffing his face into his pillow 'out' he grumbled. He felt Sirius it on the bed, leaning against the end bed pole as he did since first year, stretching his long legs out on the bed.

'I brought back some food' Sirius offered, nudging James with his foot. James hesitated a moment before sitting up and grabbing the plate. His stomach was a fucking traitor.

He began digging into the delicious eggs and bacon, avoiding Sirius's eyes. 'So' Sirius started conversationally 'what the hell happened yesterday?'

James put his fork down and looked up at Sirius. He could tell he was mildly peeved, which wasn't saying much because Sirius was the moodiest person James had ever met, but he could tell that Sirius was hurt. And that didn't happen very often. 'I went to find Lily' James confessed.

Sirius let out a breath 'I figured that much'

'She was crying, and I-' James felt as if he was breaking some code of protection between him and Lily by telling Sirius this. 'I brought her to the kitchens and we ate some pasta' he finished quickly, not able to go into any more detail.

Sirius puffed up his cheeks for a moment before meeting James eyes, a familiar grin slowly appearing on his face 'Still didn't get any?' he asked.

James glared at him and threw a pillow, narrowly missing Sirius who leaned to the left and let out a bark of laughter. James laughed himself, glad to be back to normal. 'No I didn't _get some _you ass, I don't even know if she's going to talk to me today' he added.

Sirius cocked an eyebrow

'She was upset' James explained 'and I reckon she wasn't completely emotionally stable'

'But why would she ignore you after all that?'

'Maybe it was a one time thing' James shrugged but felt his head get heavier and just wanted to sleep again 'Maybe she still hates me, but I was in the right place at the right time and she used me for comfort'

Sirius pursed his lips before speaking 'You aren't speaking too highly of this girl who you've chased after for 7 years' he pointed out

James let out a groan and fell back on his pillow, closing his eyes 'She's messing with my head Padfoot, I can't think straight with her in my head'

Sirius patted his arm 'Come on, we'll go to class and just talk to her, moping up here with _what if's _aren't going to help'

Sirius had a point. So as much as he _really_ didn't want to leave his bed, he got dressed and ready and followed Sirius down to Charms. A class that of course, Lily Evans was also in. It was a shared class with the Ravenclaws, so the seats were mostly full by the time James and Sirius arrived, making them have to sit in the front row.

'I hate you' Sirius mumbled, sitting down grumpily in his seat, his pout causing various girls to squeal quietly. Flitwick was already standing at his podium, the bloke was trying his best to get the classes attention, but failing miserably. James turned around and scanned the class until he saw Remus and Peter sitting in the back.

Remus caught his eye and raised an eyebrow, but James just mouthed 'Later' and turned back around. As he was turning around, he caught Lily's eye who was sitting diagonally behind him. She was staring right at him with unwavering eyes, but looked away hastily once he caught her. James sat back in his seat and closed his eyes, feeling nauseous all of a sudden.

'You alright mate? You're looking a bit pale' Sirius whispered as Flitwick began reviewing material from the previous year.

James shook his head, keeping his eyes closed 'Not so good' he muttered, swallowing bile that was threatening to come up.

Sirius didn't answer, but not too long after he heard Flitwick say 'Sirius, you have a question?' James wanted to protest, but he couldn't muster the energy to slap Sirius's hand down.

'Yes sir, James isn't feeling well, could I take him to the hospital wing?'

James opened his eyes halfway, and could see Flitwick purse his lips and scan the class with his eyes. James knew what was going to happen before he even uttered a word. 'Sirius, I think you should stay in my class considering your marks from last year' there was laughter in the class 'but' Flitwick paused 'Lily Evans'

James could hear her voice 'Yes?'

'Please take Mr Potter down to the hospital wing'

There was a moment of silence, as the whole class including James held their breath. He could _feel _her hesitation. 'Of course' she replied shortly, following by the scraping of the chair.

Sirius helped James out of his chair, leaning forward and quickly whispering 'Well there you go, knock two birds with one stone' but James could only grimace, and hope it passed as a smile.

Lily came over and, although he wouldn't have in any other situation, James slung an arm around her petite shoulder, and he could feel her tense before sliding an arm around his waist. He tried not to put too much pressure of her, but he was having trouble walking in a straight line 'Potter, I'm not going to break, you can lean on me' she told him. He immediately leaned on her and felt much better before realizing that she called him Potter, and felt even worse. It was true, she really did hate him and that would never change.

'I don't know why you hate me' he said, his words slurring together. He felt dizzy and light, his mouth was running itself. He could hear Lily sigh 'Stop sighing, I hate when you sigh' he snapped weakly. He glanced down at her and saw her jaw set. Great, he thought, I made her angry. But by that point he didn't care, he was angry at her for leading him on, he felt _terrible_, and he was tired of wanting a person who never wanted him back. He pulled his arm off Lily's shoulder, tipping slightly but ignoring it. 'Forget it, do whatever the hell you want' he said angrily before trying his best to walk himself. His feet didn't want to move, so he began shuffling them slowly towards the Hospital Wing.

'James, stop. You can't walk' She said softly, her tone aggravating him even further.

He whipped around, losing balance and having to catch himself 'You know what Lily, you aren't perfect I agree. You fuck with people's minds' He pointed to his head and then grabbed his hair in frustration. Her eyes went wide 'You don't care about anyone and you never cared about how I felt. I hate you' he yelled. The effect was immediate, her face paled and her mouth fell open. But he wasn't able to feel smug for long, he went to turn around, but instead proceeded to throw up his entire foods supply for a week on the floor, right in between of him and Lily.


	4. Chapter 4

He wasn't entirely coherent after that, but he could remember that Lily ran over to him, catching him before he fell and, well, dragged him to the Hospital Wing. But when he woke up, there was no sign of her anyone, no sign that she had held onto him with her tiny hands all the way to the Hospital. When he woke up, he felt no better, but was glad to see his three friends sitting on the bed next to his. They were tearing through packages of chocolate frogs like there was no tomorrow, to the point of it being worrying. Remus was the first to see him, and immediately sighed in relief. Sirius looked up, his mouth entirely full and once he saw that James's eyes were open, he pounced on top of him, knocking the air out of his chest.

Remus jumped up 'Sirius what the fuck' and grabbed onto Sirius's robes, trying to pull him off 'he's in the bloody hospital you arse' he grunted, getting Sirius off the bed.

Sirius gave him a glare, but turned back to James who was recovering from the attack 'You gave us a fright mate, but you definitely earned attention from the birds' he pointed to the mass of flowers and cards at the foot of his bed with a suggestive movement of his eyebrows.

James groaned loudly and closed his eyes 'Unless one of those are from Lily Evans, I don't give a fuck' He opened his eyes in time to see Remus and Sirius share a look. 'What?' he asked suspiciously.

Remus gave Sirius an extra hard look before sitting on James's bed, Peter sat on the other side and Sirius sat back down on the bed next to James's. 'Well' Remus started uncomfortably,

'She dropped you off here and bolted' Sirius finished boldly, accompanied by a jerky shrug 'We haven't heard anything from her and you were here over night, it's late afternoon now.' James clenched his jaw in anger? Disappointment? He wasn't entirely sure what he felt. 'There's other birds in the sky mate, have you _seen _Marissa Freethy? She's _fit!_'

James caught Remus's eye, who was looking at him with a sort of pity. Sirius was James's best mate, but Remus was a close second and was much better with emotions, and well, Lily. Remus turned to Sirius, most likely to shut him up, when a large clang came from the front doors of the Hospital Wing. All the boys turned to the noise, each of their jaws dropping in shock once they saw the person. James felt his breath get caught in his throat. Standing uncomfortably at the doors, was Lily Evans. Her hands were clasped and she was looking directly at James with a determined look in her eyes. Remus stood up, grabbing Peter and Sirius in all one go 'Alright boys, time for us to leave' he said, briskly dragging them past Lily, all the while Sirius was making inappropriate movements with his hands. James sat up in his bed, keeping back a wince, and Lily gently made her way to his bedside, sitting on the edge and crossing her legs.

After a long pause of silence, Lily spoke up, her soft voice sounding unnaturally loud in the large room 'How are you feeling?'

James made a noise of frustration and Lily winced. 'I'm fine' he said stiffly when she said nothing.

She nodded slowly, looking at a spot over James's shoulder 'Do you know what was wrong?' She tried again.

James gritted his teeth together 'No'

Her eyes landed on his, he could see the apology evident in the green and his stomach clenched so tightly he couldn't breathe. She understood 'I'm sorry James'

'Sorry for which part?' he snapped, hating how pathetic he felt.

She frowned 'I'm sorry for being terrible to you, I'm sorry for making it seem like I wanted to be friends with you-'

'Well why the hell don't you?' he cried

'Because I have one year left at Hogwarts, and this year I have to work my _ass _off, I _have _to be perfect and I can't have any room for distractions'

'So you just tell me your deepest secrets, let me hold you when you're crying, laugh at my jokes and sit so close that our knees are touching and then want me to pretend like you don't exist for the rest of the year?'

She had the decency to look sheepish 'I know it sounds stupid to you, but it makes sense to me. This is my year, this year is about me and that seems selfish, but I need to do this and I cant… I can't get caught up with everything. Including you.' She looked at him 'I'm sorry' she said softly before standing up and leaving.

James closed his eyes for a moment, but couldn't stay still. He was restless, frustrated, tired and _very, very _angry. He stood up, wavering a bit before marching straight out of the room. He knew he would be in huge trouble, he knew the nurse would yell at him, he knew he'd probably be sick again, but he needed to be anywhere but there. He strode down the corridor, not even bothering to be quiet for the classes in progression, and continued until he was on the quidditch pitch. It was empty at that time, of course James knew that, because he knew what times it was taken and what times classes were taking place on it. He scanned the seats and field, and when he saw no one, grabbed his broom from the changing room and let himself go.

To say that his religion was quidditch would be overdoing it, and mildly cheesy, so he would instead say that quidditch was his medicine. The number of times he had gone to fly after a fight with Lily, after seeing Lily with another guy, after a fight or argument with one of the boys, after receiving a bad grade, was too many to count. Flying through the air, doing loops and other terrifying stunts _healed _him. The air whipping at him cleared his mind and calmed him. He needed it, especially now. He flew as high as he could go, until his breath came out in little wisps and the saliva in his mouth became thick. When he reached that point, he would stop and sit, in the complete and utter silence, and breathe deeply. He could see the bleachers, and the lines on the field, and he could just barely make out students in the courtyard. He felt mighty and invincible.

As he was scanning the grounds of Hogwarts, he could see a figure in the middle of the quidditch pitch, waving their arms back and forth in an obvious attempt at getting his attention. _Shit _he muttered and flew higher into the clouds, he continued flying through the cloud, flying to a different area from where the figure saw him. He flew lower and lower, keeping himself hidden, until he saw that the person was Marissa Freethy, and she looked like she was freezing. She found him and dropped her arms, a smile appearing on her face as James came to a halt beside her. She was a pretty 7th year Ravenclaw, a beautiful one actually. She had very long brown hair and bright blue eyes, and a wonderful body. Sirius was quite fond of her, and personally James thought she was pretty and sweet, but well, she wasn't Lily. And he had no clue was she was beckoning him because they hardly ever spoke.

'Nice flying' She commented, a smile still on her face. Her arms were crossed and she was shivering slightly, obviously trying to hide the fact. Without thinking, James took off his jacket and slung it around her shoulders. She clung to it gratefully 'Thank you'

He shrugged 'It's the least I can do since I'm the one who kept you out here this long' he cocked an eyebrow 'you wanted to talk to me, right?'

She nodded and blushed slightly 'Sorry about that, I can tell you were enjoying yourself-'

'Eh, it was time to come in anyways, my hands were beginning to bloody well freeze off' he held up his red, cracked hands to prove it.

Her eyes widened and she immediately took off her gloves, handing them to him. 'No it's alright' he shook his head but she continued to hold them in front of him until he took them and put them on, feeling the warmth seep back into his hands. He looked down at the gloves and laughed 'Penguins?' She blushed even deeper, making her already red cheeks even darker, in a way that James thought was kind of adorable

'No laughing, my mom made them' She tilted her head and looked at the gloves thoughtfully 'I love them'

'I love them too' he confessed with a laugh 'But only because they're bloody warm'

She laughed and playfully punched his arm lightly

'So, not meaning to be rude, but is there a reason you had to talk to me?' He asked as he picked up his broom and began walking towards the castle, Marissa beside him.

She brought a hand to her forehead and gently slapped it 'Merlin I'm so ditzy sometimes' she glanced at James 'I was ordered by an extremely attractive dark haired, bad tempered and sailor mouthed boy to come to talk to you'

James refrained from rolling his eyes, he didn't want to make it seem like he was annoyed with her. Sirius could have sent _anyone _but of course he sends a beautiful girl that he's trying to set up with his best mate. There were many differences between Sirius and James, and their taste in women was one of them.

She smiled bitterly at his expression 'I'll admit that I put up a fight, told him to get someone else to do his _dirty work,_ but he bribed me' Her eyes shone mischievously

James raised his eyebrows 'Bribed? Sirius? No' he put a hand to his heart in mock surprise, causing Marissa to laugh.

'See, he promised me a platter of peppermint chocolate for my deed, and I just can't pass on that offer'

'Of course not, no one can pass down peppermint chocolate' He agreed 'I'm just surprised you trusted him enough to go with just a promise'

She held up a finger 'Aha, I don't. That's why I took his watch, which I won't give back until I receive my compensation'

James widened his eyes 'His watch? I can't believe he gave it to you'

Marissa laughed, throwing her head back 'He didn't give it to me, I wrestled him, earning detention for the both of us from McGonagall, but it was worth it'

'Because you got to man handle Sirius?' He guessed

She gave him a look 'No, because I got to talk to you'

James smiled at her, surprising himself at how much better he felt, considering just 10 minutes earlier he was ready to hex anybody that came near him. 'Well I'm glad you wrestled my best friend too' He told her. She smiled at him, her eyes shining. She really was quite pretty.

They had reached the Gryffindor portrait hole by then and James stopped, turning to her 'Hey' he said, realizing something 'Shouldn't you be in class?'

She grinned 'Yeah I should, but McGonagall also kicked me out of the class, on top of detention'

'And not Sirius?'

'She said he needed to be in class, considering his marks'

James laughed, twice in one day, Sirius would most definitely be proud of his achievement 'Not very Ravenclaw of you Marissa'

She shook her head in fake disappointment 'Maybe they'll have to re-sort me. Hopefully into Gryffindor' She winked at him 'Well, I should probably go back'

James frowned 'Wait, I thought Sirius told you to come get me'

She nodded

'You didn't do anything' He pointed out

She raised an eyebrow 'I didn't do anything? I'm quite sure you're feeling much better than you were 10 minutes ago Mr. Potter' And then turned around and walked away, swaying her hips in an obvious way, yet James didn't even bother making the effort to look away. He did feel better.


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning was easier. James's head didn't pound as badly, his body didn't ache and he didn't feel as nauseous. He sat up in bed and groaned, why did his body have to heal so quickly?

'I take it you don't feel much better' Remus mumbled from his bed beside James. James gave him a look even though his eyes were closed and he was turned the other way.

'That's the problem mate, I do feel better' James stood up and made his way to the washroom. When he heard Remus's snores, he entered the bathroom and made way to the shower. He stayed in the shower for at least 20 minutes, until he dragged himself out and got dressed in his uniform, the rest of the boys still in bed. It was surprising, Peter was usually the first one up, and he would eat without the rest of them. Then Remus would wake and drag Sirius and James out, and they would eat not to long before classes started. But today James felt like he needed to be down in the Great Hall, maybe because he missed most of his dinner the night before and didn't have time to chat with his other friends, or because deep down he hoped he'd see a red head who always ate early. Either way, he made his way downstairs alone, the corridors oddly silent for a school morning. When James reached the Great Hall, he ran into Marissa who was walking out.

'I'm sorry' she cried as he put his hands on her upper arms to steady her. 'Actually I'm not' she told him bashfully after realizing who it was, putting a hand on his and taking it off her arm, keeping their hands clasped in the time being. James felt mildly uncomfortable by this action. Yes, he had been with his fair share of birds during his time at Hogwarts, but he had never been in a relationship that lasted more than a week and was actually meaningful, you'd understand why hand holding would make him a little bit uncomfortable. Even so, he didn't pull away because Marissa seemed to be in a very cheery mood, and he didn't want to be the one to ruin it.

'Did you just finish eating?' James asked her, peering surreptitiously around her and looking at the Gryffindor table. She wasn't there, _fuck. _

Marissa smiled and nodded 'I'm an early riser, I'm guessing you're headed there?' James nodded 'you want some company?'

He knew the conversation would lead to this. He had enough experience with girls to know that almost every conversation with another bland Hogwarts girl would lead to them trying to hang out with James, and him racking his brain for ways to gently refuse. But as his eyes drifted towards the Gryffindor table and the lack of Hogwarts fieriest, most unpredictable girl, the intensity of his disappointment made him turn to Marissa and smile 'Sure'

She grinned and turned so that they walked, hand in hand into the Great Hall. He knew it was wrong, but he also knew that he wasn't being distrustful to anyone. He had always felt like he was hurting Lily by being with another girl, but it was wrong. _She doesn't like you_ James reminded himself silently as he took a seat at the Gryffindor table beside Marissa, who smiled at him before grabbing waffles and placing them on her plate 'Are you going to eat?' She asked after a moment of silence, he glanced up at her and smiled,

'Yeah, just can't decide what to eat' Marissa laughed and pointed to the bacon

'Hogwarts has _the _best bacon, I recommend it'

James nodded and grabbed the bacon. He hated bacon. He hated girls who weren't Lily. He hated the fact that he hated girls who weren't Lily. He hated Lily. He sat back and sighed, his eyes once again scanning the table except this time a flash of red caught his eye. He immediately sat up straighter and leaned forward so he could see around Marissa, and he found her. Lily was taking a seat with Alice and Mary, a large smile on her face. Mary said something to her and winked, causing Lily to erupt in peals of laughter. James found himself smiling slightly as he watched her, unable to look away.

He heard someone clear their throat next to him and turned his head to see a very annoyed Marissa watching him with an eyebrow raised. He laughed awkwardly and shoved his bacon in his mouth 'Good' he commented with a mouthful.

Marissa jutted her jaw out slightly but gave no other indication of her annoyance. 'So what's going on with you and Lily Evans?'

James felt his face heat up slightly 'Nothing' He exhaled 'absolutely nothing'

He could see the change in Marissa's face after he said it, and for some reason it bothered him. He stood up 'I have to go' and before Marissa could open her mouth, he jumped out of his chair and walked out of the Great Hall. He had potions first and although he would be early, he made his way down to the potions hallway. He sucked at potions. He couldn't ever get them right, but he knew that Lily loved potions so, being the pathetic bloke he was, he took the class in hopes of having it with her. The potions hallway was always dark, and always smelt like dittany and the nose wrinkling smell of dragon blood. It was a small hallway, with multiple small doors off to the side. James would much rather be in the Herbology or Transfiguration classes but he figured that he could put up with Potions for one year. James grimaced as he continued walking, the smell intensifying until he started to feel uneasy. The potions hallways smelled bad, but never _this _terrible. He stopped and frowned at the same moment that he heard footsteps and noises coming from the classroom to his left. He took a couple steps so that his back was to the wall and crept towards the door until he could peer inside the window. The room was dark but he could make out three figures huddled around a table and it was obvious that there was a potion on the table from the smoke surrounding them.

'You fucking git, that's not aconite' a harsh voice said angrily, James could see one of the figures slap something out of the other boy's hand.

The other boy grunted in annoyance and turned around, giving James no time to hide behind the wall. The boy stared at James in a moment of absolute fear before his face changed into an angry grimace 'Potter' he sneered.

It was then that James recognized the group. The boy facing him was Lucius Malfoy, his shockingly blond hair was hidden under a dark hood. The other two figures around the potion were Evan Rosier and Severus Snape. Both boys turned immediately and caught sight of James. As they all began walking towards him, he realized he had the choice of two things. He could run, and easily get away without any physical damage, or he could stay and pretend like his heart hadn't started beating faster. Of course, being James Potter, he stayed.

'That's a fancy looking potion you've got there boys' He commented, leaning against the doorframe. Lucius kept walking until he was standing no further than a foot away from James, his gray eyes glittering with fury,

'Don't stick your nose in other peoples business Potter' he told him 'It's considered quite rude'

James clenched his jaw and looked around Lucius to see Evan hastily take the contents of the potion and hide it inside his robe. Snape stood a few feet away, his hands shoved in his pockets as he glared at James. 'It's my business if you're doing your pathetic Death Eater chores in my potions room' he snapped.

Lucius grew red 'Don't you dare-'

'Your potions class?' Snape asked in a calm, and extremely irritating drawl 'I didn't know it belonged to you'

James felt his temper rise, as it did whenever in the presence of that greasy haired git. 'Of course you would take that personally Snivellus, you've had much experience with me taking things you hold dearly to your heart.' James regretted pushing it that far as Snape started shaking in anger, striding forward until he was in front of James, pulling back his arm and letting it collide with more force than James would have expected from him. James squeezed his eyes shut, trying his best not to let the pain show on his face

'Don't talk about things you know nothing about Potter' he spat, each words accentuated with fury 'you've never, and _will never _have anything to do with her'

James bit his tongue, smart enough than to push him even further. Just as he was thinking of a reply, a voice drifted from beside him.

'Very mature of you' a voice that belonged only to Lily Evans noted bitterly as she walked down the corridor towards them. James was torn between embarrassment and relief. Snapes eyes drifted from James and on Lily for a few seconds to long before he took a step away, shaking out the hand that collided with James's face.

'Nice of you to join us Evans, but this get together is for the big boys only' Lucius said in a patronizing tone, turning away from James and walking towards Lily. James turned and could see Lily waver under Lucius's presence but she stood her ground,

'Now now Lucius, I wouldn't yet call you a big boy'

Lucius pulled his wand out, his hand shaking as he raised it 'Filthy mudblood's think they know everyth-'

'Don't fucking touch her' James snarled, grabbing Lucius and shoving him against the concrete wall. He held his chest, keeping him against the wall as he brought his own wand out and pointed it threateningly at him 'don't ever hurt her unless you want me to brutally torture you until you can no longer breathe and beg for mercy'

'Expelliarmus' a voice yelled out, and James's wand flew out of his hand before he could stop it. He followed its path as it fell straight into Snapes outstretched hand. He was standing in the doorway, leaning against the side and twirling his hand in his long fingers. James shoved Lucius one more time before stepping back, Lily standing behind him. But not for long.

'This is silly' she said, stepping around James 'just leave now and no harm will be-'

before she could finish her sentence, Evan raised his wand just slightly, but enough so that James could see it. They locked eyes for a second before James jumped forward, pushing Lily over just as Evan cast the hex. It was something James had never heard before, but he was glad he missed it because it hit the wall behind them and created a large flaming hole. James could feel Lily breathing heavily under his chest, and hastily rolled off her. Her eyes were wide as she looked over at him, looking more scared than he had ever seen her.

'It's okay' he whispered before getting up, wincing slightly as his leg protested. He must have landed on it funny. The boys were gone, they had seemingly vanished the moment the hex hit the wall. James couldn't decide whether he was furious or relieved. Peering around the doorframe into the potions class, he couldn't find the potion and they had left no evidence that there had been a fight, except the gaping hole in the wall. 'Shit' he muttered, turning back to Lily who had managed to get up and was holding herself, looking small.

She frowned 'what?'

'We've got to get out of here, when Slughorn comes were going to get in shit' he told her, grabbing onto her arm and beginning to stride down the hallway. They had reached the set of doors when a voice called out,

'Potter, what is the meaning of this?'

James groaned before turning to Lily 'get out of here' he motioned to the doors 'just go around and head to class, pretend you weren't there'

Lily opened her mouth to protest, but James shoved her through the doors and turned to Slughorn who was standing beside the hole, a crowd of students behind him. James could see Sirius laughing, and Remus looking suspiciously at the spot Lily had been moments before. 'Er…' James racked his brain for an excuse,

'I'm sorry Mr. Potter, but you will need to go to the headmasters office immediately' Slughorn shook his head in disdain 'not appropriate Head Boy actions'

James felt his stomach drop. Why was it that he kept forgetting that he was Head Boy? He nodded at Slughorn and exited the doors, his head slung low as he made his way towards Dumbledore's office. As he reached the large doors that decorated the office, James didn't feel nervous, or angry, he just felt sad. He was about to go through the list of possible passwords, considering the fact that he wasn't told which one is was, when the doors opened

'Come in James' Dumbledore's calming voice called out. James walked in, past the moving paintings and took a seat in one of the mahogany chairs in front of Dumbledore's cluttered desk. There was silence for a few moments as the headmaster sorted through papers, and James watched the Phoenix eating in its cage. 'So' Dumbledore began, his eyes lifting and meeting James'. James swallowed nervously, 'I hear that something happened in the potions hallway'

James nodded slowly, curious as to how he already knew about it, but knowing better than to ask.

Dumbledore watched James with unfathomable eyes for a moment 'James, I knew from the beginning that making you Head Boy wasn't going to be easy for you'

James felt dizzy, he knew where this was heading, yet he couldn't seem to open his mouth to protest

'Many people expressed… their concerns on the matter' his eyes twinkled slightly 'but I knew from the beginning that you were made to be Head Boy. You have all the traits James, although you and others may not believe that'

'I don't believe that' James croaked

Dumbledore smiled 'You need to have faith James. Mistakes are made, regrets are part of life, but I hope that by making you Head Boy, you realize that you have more of a future than a past. Start working on your future James'

James frowned 'Wait, there's no punishment?'

Dumbledore stood up, an indication that their meeting was ending. James stood up also 'I have a feeling you weren't responsible for the destruction of the wall, and anyways, I've never liked the dreary, cement look of the potions hallway'

James was bewildered, but knew better than to investigate further. 'Thank you sir' he said sincerely before turning and heading towards the door. As he was opened them, Dumbledore said 'Oh and James, you may want to get some ice on your cheek, that purple bruise looks particularly nasty'

James stopped walking for a moment but didn't turn around 'Yes sir' he said, nodding curtly before he left the office, his head spinning as he headed towards his Potions class. Dumbledore was right, from the moment he earned his badge, he felt undeserving of such title. Lily Evans was the perfect Head Girl, but James? He was known for his pranks, loud commentary and wicked Quidditch skills. Not for organization, top marks and trips to the library. He never deserved the badge, nor did he deserve someone like Lily Evans.


	6. Chapter 6

'M. Potter, nice of you to join us' Slughorn paused his lesson to greet James as he entered the classroom. James heard the sarcastic tone but decided to ignore it

'There's nowhere I'd rather be' he replied bitterly, taking a seat beside Remus who gave him a sideways glance.

Slughorn pursed his lips for a moment before returning to explaining the potion they were to brew that day.

_We've got to make the sleeping draught _Remus slid the note onto James' desk.

**Bloody hell, not in the mood for this **

_Prongs, what's up with you lately? You missed a Head meeting, Lily seems on edge, I know something happened in the corridor and I've hardly talked to you_

**Christ Moony, it's been a rough day. Get off my back**

_James, come off it mate. We just want to help_

**You want to help? Tell Sirius to stop looking at me weirdly, tell Peter to stop looking afraid when I walk by, tell Lily that I just want her, and you can stop giving me pity. I don't want pity **

After a long moment, Remus began writing,

_We're worried, that's all. I think you just need some sleep mate; you're buggered_

**I slept for a night and a day in the hospital wing just yesterday Moony**

_And obviously that wasn't enough_

James was about to reply with utmost annoyance, when Slughorn began calling out partners for the potion. 'James Potter and Severus Snape' he called out, his voice not betraying the fact that he may as well just started world war 3. The entire class took a sharp intake of breath as James bravely stood up and marched over to Snape, vowing that the git wasn't going to keep him from passing his NEWTS. Snape didn't seem to feel the same way.

'I'm not working with you' He sneered.

James rolled his eyes 'Snivellus, you immature, greasy git, please understand that I don't give a shit about what you want so shut your oversized mouth that tends to release drool in the presence of a beautiful red head. Please hand me the Horned Slug so I can pass this class without committing any crimes.' Snape looked momentarily thrown off by James's rant, but recovered quickly, leaning in and whispering to James vehemently,

'Potter, you may think you are the _it guy _at this school, but you're sadly mistaken. Lily Evans doesn't and _will never _think of you as anything other than an arrogant toe-rag' He picked up the Horned Slug and shoved it at James. James clenched his jaw and began chopping up the slugs, his eyes drifting towards Lily who was laughing at something Peter said. He wasn't going to give Snape the satisfaction of seeing his words hit home, but James could feel the rock in the pit of his stomach.

They sat in silence for the remainder of the class. Occasionally listing ingredients, but with the least amount of words possible. James could feel Lily's gaze on him sometimes, and although he was in front of her he could feel a tingling sensation down his spine that felt like trickling water. At those moments, he had to use all his self-control not to look back like he would usually have. He could sense her disappointment, but he knew that it would never beat his own.

'Times done, please verse some of your potion into a vial and hand it into me' Slughorn called out, James looked down at the potion. It was supposed to be blue, with green bubbles popping, but from what he could see it was black and no bubbles were to be found. He looked up at Snape who was smirking,

'Guess Potter isn't as magnificent as he may think' he sneered before standing up and walking over to the group of Slytherins on the other side of the class. James sighed and began pouring the concoction into a vial.

'That looks like shit' Remus commented, coming up from behind James and taking a seat where Snape was sitting just moments before. James glared at him,

'Fuck you, I followed the instructions'

Remus raised an eyebrow but was smart enough to say nothing more. James set down the vial roughly and leaned back in his chair, letting his head fall back and groaning 'Moony, my head doesn't feel like it's screwed on right'

Remus slid forward and poured the liquid back into the cauldron, proceeding to pull out another vial and setting it on the table. This vial was the correct color and viscosity, obviously done by Remus. 'Take this one' He told James and James nodded gratefully.

He turned to James seriously and James felt his stomach twist uncomfortably as he took in how tired Remus looked. He knew the full moon the next day, but even after the full moon the lines on his face seemed deeper than anyone their age deserved. He felt an indescribable amount of care for the sandy haired boy, and forgot for a moment how tired _he felt. _'How are you feeling?' he asked.

Remus looked mildly surprised by the outburst 'Er… Fine I suppose. Just like I always do around this time' he shrugged

James took the vial from the table and spun it around in his fingers 'I' he let out a breath of frustration as he tried to figure out how to say it 'the most important thing to me is you guys okay?' Remus nodded 'so if I'm ever too caught up in anything else, or if I forget about a full moon or something I want you to be able to tell me when I'm being a prick.'

'I'm kind of confused mate'

James ran a hand through his hair 'Me too. Just, I just have been all caught up with Lily and being Head Boy, but you guys are more important than anything'

Remus looked unbelieving

'Okay, Lily's just as important as you, but whatever'

Remus chuckled 'I know that, and Sirius knows it too he's just not the best at sharing'

James laughed in agreement

'I understand though, I do. But sulking around won't do shit, so how about I talk to Lily?' James bristled almost unnoticeably but Remus caught on and paled ' hey, okay no I wouldn't ever do that'

James shook his head, angry with himself 'No. No, blimey i'm such a git. I'm not going to tell you that you can't talk to her, you're my best mate and I know you wouldn't do anything like that I'm being stupid'

Remus let out a breath of relief 'I'll go to the library at the end of the day and talk to her okay?'

James smiled at his friend 'Thanks mate, I owe you'

Remus smiled slightly, but James didn't miss the sadness in his eyes 'No Prongs, you don't' he let out a short laugh before getting up and heading over to his bags. James frowned as his friend left. His friend that went through more than anyone knew, or cared to understand. His friend who would do anything for his own friends, but never made them do things for him. The most selfless, warm hearted person James knew, was a werewolf. The unfairness made him angrier than he could contain. Remus deserved the best, easiest life, and a wonderful girl who made him happy but he was never going to get either. That's why they made the Marauders. That's why they had a silly name, and the entire school knew them. Because those 4 boys would do anything for the others, and the four of them were more than just school friends. They had a bond that ran eons deep, lasting during full moons, abusing families, heartbreak and uncertainty, that James was certain would last way into the future.

While Remus went to talk to Lily at the end of the day, James went to the Heads Room to work on the patrolling schedules. He figured that since he had done no good Head Boy deeds since the year started, the least he could do for Lily was patrols. The plus side was that he was able to schedule the two of them for the same nights, but she didn't need to know that. He fell down onto the maroon couch, it's soft cushions inviting him to take a nap as he laid his head back. He could have easily fallen asleep, in fact he was extremely close to sleep, his breathing regulated and his limbs mobilized when the front door was slammed open, someone rushed in with angry steps. James sat up with alarm, aware that only professors and Lily had the key inside, and was deathly afraid it was the latter and something was terribly wrong. 'Lily?' he called out, unable to see her yet since she hadn't turned into the living area yet. He heard an angry growl that he knew from experience could only come from a very, very angry Lily. Hesitant, a frankly a little scared for his safety, he stood up and walked quietly over to the door, peering around the corner first. The moment he did, Lily, who was standing directly in front of him, caught sight of him and shrieked,

'POTTER'

He stepped back in surprise. Her face was as red as her hair, and her hands were balled into fists. Whatever he did, it was bad. He was slowly stepping backwards, hoping to get to his room before she turned the corner, but had no such luck. She came careening around and marched straight at James, pushing him hard on the chest once she reached him. He stumbled back, the force of her push knocking the back of his legs into the table with a painful thud that they both ignored. James put his hand up in hopes of creating peace 'Lily, whatever I did, I can explain' he said calmly.

She began shaking with anger 'I cannot believe you took the fall for me in the potions corridor'

James's mouth fell open. Firstly because he did it for her, he was trying to help her. And secondly because he expected her to be angry that he forced Remus to talk to Lily about him. 'Lily, I did nothing wrong.' He probably shouldn't have said that.

'You haven't changed Potter' she fumed, although gladly the volume had diminished so that James didn't wince every time she spoke. 'I thought you did. I thought, maybe you could actually be a decent Head Boy, maybe we could be friends, maybe we could laugh and tell jokes while making Head plans'

James felt a blow to his stomach as she spoke. He wanted all those things, but he had the terrible feeling that he had just ruined it.

'But then you just have to be an immature git, starting fights in classrooms and being so bloody stupid' she shrieked.

He was confused. He was hurt, and very confused. 'Lily, I took the fall to save your pretty little arse. I was trying to help you'

She gave him a cold look 'You did it for your own pride you idiot not for me. We both knew Slughorn would have let me off easy if it were me. You just need to seem like the fucking hero'

James's eyes widened in surprise, Lily never swore. 'Sorry for trying to help you Lily, I'll make note not to do it again' he said angrily.

She make a noise of anger 'This is why I'm never going to like you Potter. You just _don't understand. _You don't think of consequences, or of anyone but yourself'

'Christ, I'm trying to be your friend Lily. I'm trying to be a friend' he yelled, he could feel his face turn red. Why was she so set on looking at him in a bad light?

'I don't want to be your friend' she screamed

'Well why bloody not?' he yelled back, a hand going up to his hair and tugging at it in exasperation. 'Why the bloody hell not Lily? You can be friends with Remus, and Frank and Peter Vance, so why not me?'

Lily no longer looked angry, she looked uncomfortable. James guessed she wasn't expecting the conversation to turn out this way. 'Because your James Potter' she said with a steely voice, as if that was enough of an explanation.

James laughed bitterly 'Thanks Evans, thanks for pointing that out. Come off it, we both know I've changed, I'm fucking Head Boy for Christ's sake. So what's wrong with me?'

Lily crossed her arms, and her eyes were sparkling with what looked suspiciously like tears. James sat down on the couch, leaning his arms on his thighs and putting his head down. He waited a moment before he could feel Lily sit next to him. He just wanted an answer. He wanted to know what was so terrible about him that she couldn't even be friends with him.

'I'm not the kid I used to be Lily, so don't you dare use that one on me'

She sighed delicately 'I know, I think I've overused it anyways'

He could tell she was trying to lighten the mood, but he didn't smile.

'I…I'm not good with change' she started, obviously searching for words. James sat up but said nothing, there was nothing else for him to say. It was all up to her now. 'When I was little and my mom painted my room without asking, I came home and cried for three hours. When I got my Hogwarts letter I cried, I cried because I knew it would mean things wouldn't be like they were before. I'm not good with change because it always brings bad things'

'That's not always true' he argued

'Not always' she amended 'but in my case, it is. Going to Hogwarts, meant ruining my relationship with my sister, painting my room meant the marks on my wall that me and Severus drew would no longer be there, letting you into my life means I lose Severus more than I already have. It also means taking time from my studies to fit you into my life'

James didn't know which point to address first. Finally, 'Lily, although you and Snape seem to be in the habit of blaming your lost friendship on me, I have the feeling it's deeper than just that. And you act like I'm a burden. You don't have to _fit me in _to anything. Being friends doesn't mean we schedule time. It means we talk in the hallway, go to the kitchens and if we're both hungry, sit together at breakfast. It's not a scary thing.'

Lily leaned back in the couch and curled her legs up underneath her. James could tell she was cold but was too afraid to do anything about it. 'I know' she said finally, looking over at James who refused to look anywhere but down at his hands. 'But being friends with you…brings a lot more complications that just being friends with you'

He couldn't argue with that, he really couldn't. It meant jealous and angry girls, it meant rude glares, it meant sharing him with the majority of 7th year girls, it meant losing Snape for good, it meant having to get along with Sirius. James laughed, a sound that sounded odd in the tense silence. Lily raised an eyebrow and he shook his head, still chuckling 'Who knew two people would have such a hard time being friends'

Lily let out a small laugh, shaking her head also. 'I always thought it would be an effortless thing' she confessed.

James turned on the couch, his entire body facing Lily, 'So let's make it effortless' he could see that she was about to protest but he continued talking 'come on, I have something to show you' he stood up and extended a hand.

She looked at his hand with a thoughtful frown before looking up at him 'We need to set ground rules'

James let out a bark of laughter 'Ok fine'

Lily grabbed his hand and stood up, her small hand causing sparks on his own. 'Firstly, no inappropriate touching' she gave him a look. He nodded, unable to bite back a smile. 'Secondly, Sirius has to behave around me'

James chuckled, her hand still in his as he began walking towards the door 'I won't promise anything, but I'll try to restrain him'

'And last' Lily stopped walking and turned to James, her green eyes serious 'no hexing anyone, especially not Severus'

James winced, it was easy not to hex students but was he able to restrain himself with Snape? 'What if it's for a good reason?'

Lily gave him an exasperated look.

'Okay, okay, but if he's about to hurt me I plan on defending myself, or if he's going to hurt you okay?'

She nodded but looked down, a slight blush covering her cheeks, James smiled at her and began leading her to the destination.


	7. Chapter 7

'No. No, no no no _no. _I outright refuse, I am absolutely against this' Lily began shaking her head furiously, all the while backing away from James and the two broomsticks he held. He tried not to smile at the look of horror on the redheads face.

'Lily' he said slowly, placing the brooms on the ground and walking over to her 'are you afraid of heights?' He tried his best to hide the amusement in his voice.

Lily jutted out her jaw and raised her head 'No I am not afraid of heights thank you very much.'

Of course not. 'Then why won't you come fly with me?'

She closed her eyes and groaned, James took the chance and pulled her in for a hug. He could feel her tense for a moment before wrapping her arms around his torso. James shivered slightly at the feel of her small figure in his arms. A huge grin appeared on his face at the way things were going. He had won her over, and although as just friends, he was confident that eventually he would get her to admit her feelings. But for now, as always, he was patient and waiting for this girl.

'I've had bad experiences with flying' she mumbled into his shirt. He pulled back so he could see her face and raised an eyebrow. She tilted her head up so he could look at him and he saw a glimpse of fear in her eyes. There was something deeper in her refusal.

'Lily it's okay, if you don't want to I get it'

She shook her head and pulled away, clasping her hands together nervously, 'In third year Severus told me to meet him out here at night. So I came out and he was out here with some of his Slytherin friends. They thought it would be funny to force me to fly, and' she swallowed and began blinking rapidly. 'I fell, and I hurt my leg. I called out to Sev, but he just laughed along with his friends', she clenched her jaw and shook her head, James could see that she was trying her best to keep composure.

James pulled her back into his arms, and overcome with the staggering realization that he would risk anything to keep her from harm. 'S'okay Lil's, we don't have to fly. I'm sorry he did that'

She sniffled and pulled away, wiping her face and letting out a weak laugh 'No, I'm being silly. How about we go on the same broom, but you have to steer.' She walked around James and picked up a broom, James could see just by the way she held it, that she wasn't at all comfortable with broomsticks. He took it gently from her hand, running his thumb on the soft wood. He wanted her to fly, he wouldn't force her but he wanted to share with her something that was important to him. He held it out to her, holding it low so she could step over it. He then slid behind her, wrapping his arms around her and gripping the broom with both hands. He could feel her fear.

'Lily-'

'James, it's okay, just don't you dare let me fall or else I will hex you to oblivion'

He was glad to head humor in her voice, but was a little too distracted by the scent of her perfume wafting in his direction. With a nervous gulp, he urged the broom to rise slowly but surely into the air, making sure to make slow turns and not go too high. He flew over top of the bleachers and heard Lily let out a squeal 'This is incredible' she cried.

James laughed and scooted a little bit closer 'James' she warned, knowing of his actions.

'Just trying to share body heat Lil's' he said, a playful grin on his face. This was what he wanted. He wanted to spend time with her, laugh and talk with her, sit close to her on the couch. He wanted to do everything with her that they would do if they were dating, but he would refrain from kissing her for now even though it was getting increasingly difficult to do so.

He continued flying for quite a long time, ramping up to doing more heart-racing and exhilarating tricks that made Lily lean back into him and laugh. James couldn't keep the smile off his face, he had his two favorite things in one moment and he couldn't possibly feel happier. Once he could feel Lily shivering he slowed the broom down and gently descended back down. Once her feet were touching the ground, he lowered the broom and let her step off it. She crossed her arms in an effort to keep warm and watched him pick up the two brooms and put them in his arms.

'That was seriously amazing James, thank you' she told him sincerely, falling into step with him as they headed indoors.

He shrugged, completely aware of how close she was walking to him 'I just wanted to show you something that was really important to me. To start off this whole friendship thing'

She was silent for a few moments 'Well I guess it's mine turn next then'

He turned to smile at her but his eye caught something at the end of the corridor that made his stomach flip, but not in a good way.

Melissa Freethy turned to face him and flashed a bright smile, raising her hand to give him a wave. He smiled back, aware that he couldn't suddenly be rude towards her now that Lily was talking to him, but he was also aware that he didn't want to lead her on. Unfortunately, his plan wasn't working because she bounced over to Lily and James, her long brown hair swaying in a way that would make most guys, including Sirius drool. 'Cheers' James nodded at her once she was standing near them. He felt Lily move closer to him, but wasn't sure if that was just because he wanted her to, or if she actually did.

'Hey James' she kept her eyes solely on him 'practicing for the next Quidditch game?'

He held the brooms up a little higher 'Got to be in the best condition to beat your house'

She laughed and pushed her hair off her shoulders, exposing her neck. James looked at a spot above her right shoulder. 'Hey, you've met Lily right?' He put a hand on Lily's back.

Melissa's smile faltered, but she recovered quickly 'Of course! Who doesn't know Lily Evans' she flashed a smile at James.

'Well she was helping me practice' he turned to Lily 'she's a spectacular flyer' he added with a mischievous grin.

Lily smirked 'Of course, I gave him plenty of pointers to improve his game'

Melissa was beginning to look awkward and James was relieved. 'Well, we've got to go do some homework. I'll see you around?' He didn't wait for a reply, gently applying pressure on Lily's back; they walked around Marissa and headed to their common room. Once out of earshot, Lily burst into giggles,

'You are horrible, she was star struck and you completely ignored it' she cried in laughter.

James laughed, but it was forced. He couldn't understand how one day prior, Melissa Freethy seemed alluring and fun and beautiful, but now, standing in the presence of Lily, she seemed dull and pathetic. Was it the fact that nothing could compare to Lily? And if so, he couldn't understand how he could think so damn highly of something who thought nothing special of him. How was that fair to him? Why couldn't he fall for Melissa, who would easily return the feelings? That was how Sirius felt all those years. He would ask James 'Is she really worth it?' or 'What's so special about Evans?' And James would try to answer, but in all honesty he had no fucking idea why he couldn't get over Lily. She wasn't anything like him, she was uptight and hardworking, she didn't hangout with any of the people he did, and she had been terribly rude to him since first year. It would be easier to stop liking her and James knew that. But he also knew that he couldn't stop liking her, he had tried and failed many, many times. There was something about her. Something about her red hair like no one else's, the way her green eyes flashed when he bothered her, the way she was small and delicate, but had the most fiery personality. She was exciting and wonderful and beautiful and sweet and intelligent and loving. She was it for James, and Sirius would laugh if he ever said it aloud, but he knew it. She was it for him.

'Hey' Lily said gently, nudging his side. He shook himself out of his reverie and found that they were standing outside the common room. He didn't even remember walking that far.

'Sorry' he said sheepishly to Lily. She shrugged it off easily,

'You were some place else, I understand. It happens to me all the time. Where are you headed now?'

James told the fat lady the password and entered the common room behind Lily 'I was planning on playing a game of chess and just hanging around. Dinner's soon anyways.' Lily nodded 'want to join the game?' He looked behind him to see Sirius and Peter already playing their game, as usual. 'I can force them away from the game for one round' he said with a grin.

Lily laughed, her eyes on the two boys who were getting increasingly into the game. 'I think I'm going to catch up on some reading by the fire. I'll see you at dinner though'

James felt a twinge of disappointment, but shrugged it away. She wasn't going to want to spend every second with him 'Sure, come sit with us, I'll tell Sirius to behave' he flashed a grin.

Lily laughed 'Okay' and headed towards the fire.

James had to refrain himself from literally _skipping _over to his friends. But he didn't stop the smile that grew on his face until his face was hurting from the strain. He sat down next to Sirius as Peter jumped up, yelling in success. The coincidence of the moment was not lost on James. But this time he was smiling. And that made all the difference for him. Sirius sat back in his chair and crossed his arms moodily 'Whatever Wormy, you cheat anyways.' Peter just laughed, too caught up in his victory,

'Too bad Padfoot, beat you again. I'm heading to dinner, either of you coming?' Both boys shook their head, Peter hesitated a moment before shrugging and walking towards the door. Once he was out of sight, Sirius looked at James, his gray eyes were dark an unwavering.

'What's your name again? I kind of forgot considering that I've hardly seen you at all since the term started' his voice was light, but James could hear hurt the under layer of humor

'Padfoot lay off it' he rolled his eyes with a smile, getting up and walking over to the opposite side of the table. He sat down on one of the chairs and began replacing the chess pieces.

'I'm serious James, I get that you were all mind-fucked over Evans, but you don't even tell me that she's now talking to you? Are you planning on drooling over her and following her like a sick puppy and ignoring us? Did you even remember that tonight's the full moon?' Sirius's voice got increasingly louder.

James felt his face pale. He had momentarily forgot, but he was sure he would have remembered by nightfall. 'Bugger off Sirius, I thought you'd be happy for me' he said angrily, trying extremely hard to keep his voice level. It wasn't fair of Sirius to do this. He was supposed to be his best friend, and be just as happy with James's progress as James was.

Sirius stood up, knocking his chair back angrily 'Fuck you Prongs, fuck you. I knew this was going to happen, I knew the moment she talked to you you'd drop everything. Don't you see what she's doing to you? She's messing with you, she doesn't care about you' he accentuated each word angrily, causing stabs of pain in James's stomach. When he was done talking, Sirius was red in the face and breathing heavily. He met James's gaze once more with steely eyes before stalking off, leaving James's by himself, torn between hitting something and crying.

James sat in that chair for 3 hours, completely immobile, waiting for everyone to go upstairs so he could escape to the shrieking shack. He saw Lily pass him on the way to dinner with a frown, but he quickly looked away. He wanted to convince himself that everything Sirius said was wrong, but deep down he knew that there was truth in all of it. But all he wanted was for Sirius to support him like Remus had. But ever since James had confessed his liking to Lily, Sirius had been everything _but _supportive and frankly, it pissed James off. None of him wanted to go and face Sirius again, but he knew that he was doing it for Remus, and on full moons Remus was the most important thing. So once the last person had gone upstairs, James stood up, his heart still clenched with pain and his mind still replaying Sirius's words, and began his way down the path outside the back of the castle. Sirius and James fought all the time. They fought over who got the last piece of pie at dinner, over messy trunks and leaving food wrappers around. They fought over silly things, they've thrown multiple punches over the years and they did some pretty horrible things, but they always forgave each other and never crossed boundaries. But this time, this time felt different and it terrified James.

'If you don't want to eat with me, the least you could do is tell me' a light voice spoke up from beside James. James whipped his head up and saw that Lily was walking quickly down the path trying to catch up with him. At the sight of her, James felt the usual burst of butterflies in his stomach, but he could feel the twinge of guilt that Sirius had brought upon him. Lily frowned once she reached him 'are you okay James?'

James stopped walking and turned to her. He wasn't going to lead her down to the Forbidden Forest and put her in that danger 'Yeah I'm fine, I'm just going for a walk. I'll talk to you later?'

He could see the confusion in Lily's eyes, but was incredibly relieved when she nodded 'Yeah, okay' and with one last look headed back up towards the castle.

It was hard enough keeping their secret hidden, but even harder to create lies. James hated lying. He hated nothing more than lies. He hated telling lies, and he most definitely hated getting lied to. It was something that caused many fights between the Marauders, because although he put a high placement on honesty, he didn't understand the difference between lying to protect your friends, and lying to be vile. So if Sirius lied about Lily going to Hogsmeade alone, James would blow up.

It was a quick walk to the Whomping Willow, and James stood by the bush they always met at close by to the Willow, waiting for Sirius and Peter to show up. He kept jiggling his left foot, a nervous habit he acquired most likely because of Lily Evans. But he was terribly nervous about seeing Sirius, he just wanted to apologize and forget about their fight. His anger towards his best friend was intense, but always short fumed, making it easy for them to forgive and move on. James was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't hear anyone make their way down the hill until he heard the crunch of a leaf. James whipped his head up at the noise, his guard was always up higher on the full moon, but he relaxed immediately once he saw who it was. 'Pete, don't fucking scare me like that' he breathed, turning to Peter who was standing beside him. He frowned once he saw that Sirius wasn't there.

Peter let out a nervous chuckle 'Sorry Prongs. Is Moony already down there?'

James rolled his eyes at his friends question, he asked it every single time 'I bloody well hope so' he hesitated, should he pretend he didn't notice Sirius wasn't there?

'Sirius is coming, he just ran back up to grab something, said it was important'

James shrugged, as if it made no difference to him 'Let's go ahead then, I can hear Moony already and it sounds like it's going to be a rough one'

Peter's face was solemn, but James could see the hidden excitement before they turned into their animagus. Although Sirius was always the most carefree when it came to the full moon, James knew that Peter found the secretiveness of it exciting. James was much more serious about it all. He knew how serious it could get if they were caught, or if Moony caught sight of a human, but he couldn't say that Sirius's carefree attitude towards the matter didn't make him less nervous, because it did. As it always did.

James felt his fears fade away as his hands turned into paws, nose turned into snout and ears turned into antlers. Sirius would agree that there was an indescribable feeling of balance and peace when in your animal form. Like all human problems no longer seemed like problems. James nodded in the direction of the Whomping Willow and Peter scattered forward to open the path and stop the tree from swinging it's branches. He couldn't refrain himself from checking back every couple seconds to see if Sirius was coming, but each time all he saw was a dark path and nothing else. Peter turned to James, and he could feel Peter's questions but James just motioned towards the door, telling Peter to go ahead without him. Peter hesitated but continued down, leaving James alone outside the door. After a couple moments, he turned back into human form, since when Sirius came it wouldn't exactly be able to talk things out with a stag, and sat down with his back against the tree. Maybe Sirius wouldn't even show up. Maybe Marissa made him an offer, and to get back at James he went with her. But despite James's over active imagination, deep down he knew that his best friend would never, ever not be there to help Remus during a full moon. Although the majority of Hogwarts thought of Sirius as an unemotional, cold, stuck up, carefree, player, James knew otherwise. Sirius came from a long line of messed up people, and he was the only one who didn't turn out the same. He went through family abuse, physical abuse that would make him run away, knocking on James's door at 4 in the morning to spend the rest of the week with him. He knew that Sirius's cold demeanor was one he acquired living as a Black, but he really felt things as, or possibly more deeply that any other person. James knew it was hard for Sirius. He had to act aloof at all times, keeping to himself even when he was hurting, he used girls because it made him feel important and it was the only thing that made him feel like he meant something, but he was also the most loyal person James knew, and would come to anyone's defense if they needed it.

'Don't hurt your head Prongs, you seem to be doing some intense thinking over there' an amused voice floated over to James. He didn't realize he had closed his eyes until he opened them and saw Sirius standing in front of him, a lazy smirk on his face. James went to stand up, but Sirius shook his head and took a seat next to James, stretching his long legs out and leaning his head back. James could see the marauders map in his hands, and wondered why he would bring it out.

'I was waiting for you' he told Sirius quietly, but he made sure to make it sound neutral. He knew from experience that the moment feelings came up, Sirius bolted.

Sirius shrugged easily 'Had to get something'

'The map?' James couldn't help but ask.

Sirius looked at him from the corner of his eye and rolled his eyes 'Yes Prongs, the map'

James waited a moment, he knew that Sirius wanted him to ask but he didn't want to give him the satisfaction. 'Why do you need the map?' Ok he tried, but really, they never brought the map out.

Sirius smirked in a self-satisfying way 'Well, on the way out I saw your girl friend looking mildly peeved in the common room, so naturally I went and sat beside her'

'She's not my-'

"Whatever, so she turns to me and says 'do you need something Black?'

And I ask 'Why so blue flower?'

And she just crosses her arms and mutters moodily 'Potter's up to something and I know you're involved so I'm just going to tell you now that it's stupid and tell him that he's Head Boy and shouldn't be doing stupid things.'

And I said 'Since when did you care about Prongs's well being? Developed feelings for the lad?'And then she got angry and stalked off. BUT! I had the hunch that she was going to come out here and sleuth, so I brought it just incase."

James raised his eyebrows in surprise 'I didn't think you'd care about her well being'

Sirius shrugged again 'I don't, but you do so.'

James smiled slightly; this was their way of apologizing, thank God. 'So bring out the map, let's see where she's at'

Sirius bent his head down to retrieve the map from his pocket, but James caught sight of the small smile on his face, obviously just as relieved as James that they had patched up the rough patch. 'Here' he said, handing the map to James 'but hurry up because Moony-'

Sirius's voice was silenced with the sound of a painful howl that pierced the air in a way that made anyone who could hear it cringe. James turned to Sirius with wide eyes, both of them aware that only Peter was down there and there was only so much a rat could do in this situation. 'Shit' James cursed and scrambled up alongside Sirius.

'What the fuck?' Sirius demanded, 'it's too early'

James shook his head 'I don't know, but it's really not the time' he looked down at the map, scanning the Forest and praying not to find any names. Sirius grabbed his arm and began pulling him towards the entrance when James's blood ran cold. He could no longer move his feet, let alone any other part of his body.

'Prongs? Sirius turned around when James's didn't follow. He frowned at James a moment before snatching the map from James's hands. Meanwhile James's heart was thudding painfully as he conjured a plan. Lily Evans was seconds away from arriving to that exact werewolf, animagus ridden spot in the forest. He heard Sirius curse

'We have to go find her, I'm serious, we can't let her come this far it's too dangerous'

Sirius let out a long breath 'Go, go find her and bring her up to the castle. I've got to go help Wormy, he can't tame Moony by himself.' James immediately shook his head,

'No, it needs to be both of us, you can't do it without me-'

'Shut the fuck up and go save the light of your life Prongs, I'll deal with it'

Sirius said it in such an unwavering tone that James understood there was no room left to disagree. Sirius was going to risk his well being to keep the most important girl in James's life safe. James felt an immense amount of warmth towards his best friend, this was why he had stayed friends with him all these years. He nodded at Sirius as their goodbye, and Sirius returned with an equally solemn one before James turned around and began following the map. From what the map said, and the map was never wrong, Lily was quickly making her way down the path and in no time would be exactly where him and Sirius were standing moments before. Reveling this new information, and the fact that a flesh-biting werewolf was on the prowl, James broke into a run. A few moments into it he was panting, considering the steepness of the hill and the fact that his heart was already pounding erratically inside his chest, but he continued up the winding path, unable to see much in front of him because of the darkness when 'Ow!' a shrill voice exclaimed. James immediately stopped and listened. He looked down at the map, trying his best to make out the writing in the dark, and felt all his muscles loosen once he saw Lily's name.

'Lily?' He kept walking forward, peering into the darkness in hopes of seeing a flash of red. Finally he came to his senses and reached down for his wand, but was faced with the problem of a wand-less pocket. He frowned 'What the-'

'OW' she yelled again, this time louder. James ignored his missing wand problem and continued forwards.

'Lily? It's James, could you maybe shine a light? I can't see shit' Finally he collided with an object, although harder than he wished, he felt a shoulder in his hand and a wrist in the other. He smiled and laughed in relief 'well that was-' Lily finally turned on a light, something either of them should have done a long time ago and the end of the wand was pointed directly into James's eyes. He screamed in pain and surprise, falling backwards and landing on his butt, his eyes still imprinted with golden stars. He heard Lily gasp and run forward, bending down to tend to him and finally pointing the wand away,

'James? James I'm sorry I'm just really confused and I kept running into things and it's dark and oh I'm so sorry! Can you see?'

James blinked rapidly a couple times until he could focus in on Lily's face 'Yep, I'm fine' he stood up and brushed off his pants 'you need to go up to the castle'

Lily raised an eyebrow, no longer flustered 'And why is that?'

'It's not safe out here at the moment' he said nonchalantly, stepping forward and placing a hand on Lily's lower back 'let's go' he began to guide her up the hill but she didn't move. Instead, she whipped around, although this time making sure to keep her lit wand by her side,

'James Potter tell me what's going on right now. Sirius said the same thing to me and had this panicky look on his face like he was late for something, you are up to something and whatever you're doing is wrong' she placed her hands on her hips.

James ran a hand through his hair, why did he think this was going to be easy?' 'Please Lily-' his plead was cut off by the sound of a very aggressive Werewolf. James's eyes widened and he met Lily's terrified gaze

'What was that?' she whispered, the light of her wand going out because she was no longer concentrating on such things. 'James, what was that?' she asked more forcefully when James didn't answer.

He shook his head; there was no time for thinking. He just needed to get her up to the castle and he needed to get down and help Sirius. Grabbing Lily by the hand, he pulled her up the hill, this time continuing to pull her even when she made it difficult. Finally he got her into the castle doors, both of them breathing heavily 'Lily, I need to do something right now and I promise I'll explain if you just _please _stay in the castle'

Lily frowned slightly, running her eyes around James's face that made his stomach flutter despite the situation. 'Okay' she said finally in a small voice 'okay, but be careful alright?'

He nodded and turned around as he made his way to the door, looking over his shoulder once more at Lily before breaking into a sprint. He felt the cold air nip at his uncovered face as he ran down the hill, eventually switching into his animal form without breaking pace. He stopped right before the entrance, looking behind him to confirm Lily's safety, before running down into the Shrieking Shack, and for one more night, risking his life for a friend.


	8. Chapter 8

**My favourite chapter! Yaaay :) I like it because it has the most dialogue, and more on the Marauders friendship, and lots of delicious, deep Sirius :D So get ready to enter Sirius's head, or atleast the way I imagine his head working. Remember, I won't bed, but reviews make my day :)**

**Disclaimer:**** I'm no JK Rowling. I didn't create any of these characters, and this world doesn't belong to me. God, having to repeat this just makes me more and more depressed. **

**Enjoy! **

Sirius was already playing around with Remus, obviously had calmed him down. They were currently play fighting, a game that would result in lots of blood and bandages once they were back into human form, but for now was saving their lives and many others. James could see the relief in Sirius's dark black furry face when he entered, and immediately joined into the game. The injuries didn't hurt when they were in their forms. Scratches and bites didn't affect them and for that they were grateful because they were able to last all night. But the pain came when the night was over, after dragging Remus to the Hospital Wing and having to tend to bites, scratches and rips in their room with limited supplies. James could feel that Remus was getting more and more violent, throwing both James and Sirius across the room harder than before. Peter scurried around them, wishing he could help keep them safe, but not being able to do anything without risking his own life.

At one point, after Sirius had been launched at the wall with a particularly hard throw and didn't get up, James stopped playing and went over to help him. He knew that as the minutes passed, Remus got more and more agitated and violent. They had dealt with it before, usually by bringing him out of the shack and letting him run free, something that made him more at peace. But as James stood in front of Sirius, as his best friend got up slowly, shaking his dog body to rid himself of the soreness and looking James deep in the eyes, his own eyes revealing his wishes, James couldn't do it. He couldn't make the decision to let Remus run free, because he couldn't live with himself if somehow Remus got hold of Lily. He couldn't. But his best friend was pleading, his eyes pleading with James's, because Sirius didn't know how much longer he was able to go on. Finally, James agreed. He agreed because Sirius was panting in a way that made James's heart hurt, because Remus was howling in a way that hurt James's head, and Peter was shaking in fear. He agreed because he loved Lily and would keep her safe no matter what, and because the Marauders were the best friends James would ever had, and when it came to them he wasn't allowed to be selfish. He nodded at Sirius, telling him with his eyes all that he had just been thinking. Sirius nodded back, more emotion passed between them than anyone watching would assume, but it was enough for them.

James trotted up the Shrieking Shack, leading Remus up out the entrance and deep into the forest. Sirius stayed behind Remus with Peter, to make sure he didn't stray. No teachers knew they were animagus, although James was almost certain Dumbledore knew. But if they got caught, well the consequences would be worse than anything they would have ever received, and that's saying something. Once Remus was safely in the Forbidden Forest, James motioned at Sirius and they both went to play fight with Remus to keep him sane, for a Werewolf at least. By the end of the night, James was sure that he would have many bruises and cuts that were beginning to ache painfully but he would take it any day if it was what kept Lily and other student's safe. It was early in the morning when Remus finally turned back into a human, his exhausted and cut up form spread across the ratty cot in the Shack that Peter found in the basement of the castle and it ended up coming in handy. The other three boys turned back into their bruised human forms, all of them just wanting to crash but aware that they had to get Remus to the Hospital Wing.

'This one was different' Sirius said quietly as he, James and Peter walked Remus's half conscious body up the pathway. He had a long gash across his face, and his eyes were tired, but when he turned to James, James could see the fear that he had been feeling too.

'I know' he admitted. It was true, that night was different than any other. Maybe it was James's fear of Lily coming out to the forest or maybe it was because the moon was larger than usual, but it was much more violent and malicious than ever.

'It wasn't just Moony' Peter said thoughtfully, his hands on Remus's back holding him up while James and Sirius each had an arm around their shoulders. 'It sounds weird, but in animal form I can sense more, and each of you had more on your minds than usual, same with Moony. I think that changed it'

James frowned, was that true? He never paid much attention to his senses when he was in his animal form because it was the least of his worries, but now that he thought about it he realized that he could smell, hear, taste and feel more than as a human.

'Well I for one don't give a shit, I just want to get to my bed and sleep' Sirius said roughly, opening the castle doors. It was barely dawn, which meant that no one would see them walking so they continued without worry down the corridor towards the Hospital. The nurse was waiting for their arrival, aware of Remus's condition, and took him silently from the boys, her worry evident on her face.

'Boys, stay here so I can fix you up. How ever did you acquire such cuts and bruises?' she pursed her lips and motioned at James but he shook his head,

'Thanks, but I'm going to go to bed. I'm sure we'll look spiffy in the morning' he ignored her protests and left the Hospital Wing with Sirius, Peter heading off to the kitchens to grab some early breakfast. Finally, after a long night of waiting, they got to their common room, both sighing in relief.

'I thought that night would never end' James said with a weak laugh. Sirius turned his head slightly and was about to say something when they heard footsteps coming down the girl's staircase. James turned to Sirius with wide eyes, well aware of their physical conditions. 'Go' James shoved Sirius towards the staircase so that he was hidden, it would be easier to explain why James was cut up than if the both of them were there. James turned his head towards the girls staircase, he wouldn't be able to explain it, but he already knew who was walking down the stairs before she appeared in front of him. He wasn't surprised to see a tiny red head walk towards him, a frown on her face as she took in his condition. He kept his eyes on hers, not letting them stray on her thin nightgown and obvious lack of undergarments. 'Hey' he said neutrally, lifting his hand up to give her a small wave.

She looked angry, continuing to walk until she was directly in front of him. She scanned his face, none of her being touching James's, but his heart was beating so erratically that he was sure she could hear it. 'You need to get cleaned up' she said finally, her voice soft. James gave her a small smile,

'I'll be fine, I just want to go to sleep'

She shook her head, grabbing onto his arm and leading him to the couch. She pushed him down 'Stay here, I'm going to grab bandages' she gave him a hard look 'if I come back and you're gone, I swear to Merlin you'll regret it'

He nodded, biting back a smile as she ran upstairs. All he wanted was to sleep, but his need for sleep still didn't over power his need to be with Lily. He needed to let her know that what happened that night didn't have anything to do with her, and just the sight of her was already making him feel better. 'You still there?' she asked, her footsteps coming down the stairs.

He chuckled 'Still here'

She came around the corner with a smile on her face, and a handful of medical things. James frowned 'Lily, you're a witch'

She sat down next to him and frowned at the supplies 'Er… I suppose I am' she looked up at him 'but I don't know any healing spells, well I don't know them well enough to try them on you at least'

He didn't say so, but his heart swelled at that. 'Here, just try them. I have faith in you'

She paled 'No, I don't think-'

'Please?' He pouted a little bit 'It's so much easier, I don't want bandages everywhere for people to see anyways'

She sighed 'Fine' and picked up her wand, glancing between it and James's arm which had a deep gash 'but if anything goes wrong, you can't hurt me'

His mouth fell open 'Hurt you? What the bloody hell, you think I'd hurt you?'

She avoided his eyes 'Ok no, but-'

'Good cause I wouldn't. Ever. Seriously Lil's, I wouldn't ever hurt you, even if you broke all the bones in my body'

'Well let's hope I don't' she muttered, narrowing her eyes and keeping them on James's injury. 'Episky'

James looked down at his arm and watched as his skin healed itself. The blood went back inside the cut, and in less than a minute his skin was fully healed with only a tiny twinge of red. James looked at Lily with a grin on his face 'That was awesome'

Her eyes were wide and held a hint of glee. She let out a breath of laughter 'I can't believe I just did that, and look at your arm!' she grabbed his bare arm and held it up, examining where the gash had been. James swallowed and willed himself not to show any signs that her holding his arm was making his stomach flip tremendously. When she was done examining, she looked up at James, her face noticeably closer than before and asked 'Can I do the others?'

It took her no time at all to get rid of all imperfections James had gotten that night, and she got better each time she cast the spell. By the time the bruise on James's leg was losing it's bluish color, James felt the wave of exhaustion finally hit him. With a groan he leaned over and laid his head on the armrest of the couch, leaving his feet on the floor so Lily wouldn't have to leave. 'Are you okay? Did I hurt you?' she asked anxiously, obviously aware of his state.

He shook his head, his eyes closed and his brain slowly shutting off 'I'm fine…Just…Tired' it took to much energy to say anything more.

She was quiet for a moment, and James felt more at peace than he had in a long time, but she then got up quietly, obviously making an effort to not wake him. He kept his eyes closed, partly because he didn't think he could open them, and partly because he wanted to know what she would do if he was sleeping. He couldn't explain the joy he felt when her tiny hands grabbed his jeans and hoisted them gently onto the couch so that he was taking up the entire sofa. And she then proceeded to take a blanket and cover him with it, taking off his glasses and brushing a hand on his hair before heading upstairs. In any other predicament, he would say that he was too excited to sleep. Lily Evans just did all that for him? That had got to mean something. And of course, he would get excited of this fact, but after he slept for a very, very long time.

James woke up to someone gently shaking his shoulder and calling out his name. His eyes opened like sandpaper, with his vision blurry without his glasses but despite the barriers, he could make out the red blur of hair and immediately knew who it was. 'Glasses' he croaked, sitting up and squinting around trying to remember where he put them. Lily went away for a moment before returning and handing him his spectacles. Once he put them on and could see clearly, he noticed the circles under Lily's eyes, her disheveled hair and crumpled clothes and he frowned. Lily never looked like that.

Her eyes dimed slightly as he took in her appearance with a frown, but she kept a small smile on her face as she sat on the corner of the couch. 'Classes start in twenty minutes, I thought you might want to go to Defense since you've missed a lot of classes lately'

He groaned and fell back on the couch. 'I'm sorry Lily'

'Sorry for what?'

'I have patrols sorted out, I have the lists but that's literally all I've done. I've been a shit Head Boy so far this year and I'm sorry for making you do everything'

She rolled her eyes 'It's fine, no big deal' and went to get up but James grabbed her hand. Something was up, and he wasn't sure if it was the right time to bring it up. After a moment's hesitation, he decided to let it go for the time being and talk to her during patrols when it was just the two of them. He let go of her hand and she stood up, a flicker of understanding passed between them before she left the common room.

The morning went by slowly as usual; James almost fell asleep during Defense and then proceeded to actually fall asleep during History Of Magic. Otherwise, it was thankfully uneventful. Remus was still in the hospital wing, where he was usually for the next day after the full moon, and Sirius and James were back on speaking terms. They both had a spare during last period, so they went outside to the Quidditch pitch and sat in the stands. It was chilly, and they could see their breaths, but the fresh air cleared their minds and it was always easier to let it all go when you were out there. Sirius was laying along the bench and James sitting beside his feet, leaning back onto the bench behind him. Sirius had a cigarette, which James didn't approve of but the smoke wasn't wafting in his direction so he decided to say nothing about it for today.

'Talked to Freethy this morning' Sirius said out of the blue, staring straight above into the cloudy sky.

James pursed his lips 'And?'

'She's not into me.' James gave his friend a side-glance, hadn't haven missed the slight hitch of his words caused by a hidden layer of hurt 'but I'll win her over eventually' he met James's eyes and grinned.

'I made it obvious that I wasn't into her' James supplied, hoping to make him feel better.

Sirius flicked ash off his cigarette 'Whatever, I don't even know if she's worth the effort'

'Is anybody worth your effort?' Sirius frowned slightly, a sign that he was actually taking the question seriously. After a long pause, James pursued further 'No one you'd actually consider dating?' His best friend was the Hogwarts Casanova. He had never had a girlfriend, only one for one-night stands and perpetual flirting. James knew that Sirius had always been afraid to get close to people, his family to blame for that, and that's why Sirius really had no close friends other than the Marauders.

Sirius shrugged a shoulder 'Too much effort to date Prongs'

'I disagree' he said easily, causing Sirius to raise an eyebrow. 'I think it'd be nice, everyone would know that you're off limits, you'd get endless kisses and you could touch her whenever you wanted and everyone would know that she was yours. It'd be nice to always have someone to go to that could make you feel better who's not a mate'

Sirius laughed 'Christ, Evans really has turned you into a pussy'

'Whatever Padfoot, you'll get it one day'

Sirius clenched his jaw in annoyance 'Why does everyone think I want that? Everyone seems to think I _want _a girlfriend just because all the girls like me, but I seriously don't mate. I can't picture myself getting married and coming home at the end of the day to the same girl so we can talk about boring shit like how our days were and then go to bed. There's nothing to that, the magical part of love wears off. I want different girls, new experiences, new things to talk about, I think it's stupid that you want to tie yourself down when there's so many other things out there.'

'Because at the end of the day, I want to be sure that I'll have someone to come home to' James said thoughtfully, mildly affected by Sirius's words. It was true, his desire to settle down with Lily one day meant routine, and it meant the same girl for the rest of his life. But for some odd reason, that thought didn't scare him like it did to Sirius, it made him feel warm and content.

Sirius let out a long sigh, finishing off his cigarette as James dug his hands into his pockets in the attempt to keep them warm. 'I've got you guys for that' Sirius said, and from James could see there was a slight blush on his cheeks. 'At the end of the day, I'm always going to know that the Marauders will be there. I don't mean in my fucking house, let alone kitchen, but I'm always going to have you to come back to so I guess being without relationships doesn't seem so scary when I have the Marauders.'

James jiggled his foot and watched a first year class try to levitate their brooms into their hands. He knew what he wanted to say to Sirius, but he didn't know _how _to say it without embarrassing him further and ending the conversation. 'I'm just afraid you're going to get lonely' he said finally, keeping his eyes on the first years.

Sirius said nothing for a while, and the sound of the kids and Sirius exhaling was the only sound James could hear. He was overcome with the sudden realization that this was their last year of doing any of that. That time next year, he wouldn't be able to hang around the Quidditch pitch with his best friend, especially not if he was going to become an auror like he wished to do. He was so safe, and protected from everything at Hogwarts, and everything, even the hard stuff, was easy.

Sirius sat up and interrupted James's train of thought 'We're all going to get lonely at some point. Even if some how you win Evans over and end up spending the rest of your boring life with her, you're going to feel lonely sometimes, and same with her. It's human nature to feel lonely because no one really ever understands what's' going on. Prongs, I know you as well as I know myself, but I could never say I understand your mind completely, cause I never will. And you're going to feel lonely because sometimes what you're feeling is what no one else is feeling, and no one else can relate or sympathize to you. For me, I feel even more alone when I'm surrounded by people. If I was in a relationship, I could only focus on us as separate people, not us as a pair of people and eventually that would ruin any relationship.' He turned so that he was sitting like James was. 'So to answer your question, yeah there's a girl I like at Hogwarts, but she deserves a relationship and I just can't give that to her because I'm so used to feeling things on my own.'

If ever the time, that would have been the best time for James to hug his friend. But there was never such a time with Sirius, so James just decided on nudging his friends side in a gesture of support and understanding. 'Mate, you're my best friend and I support anything you do and whatever you decide to do, or wherever you go. I'll be right there to make you feel like an idiot all of the time'

Sirius let out a bark on laughter 'Christ Prongs, you really know how to ruin a moment'

James grinned and was about to say something back when he saw a flash of red, a flash so quick that no one else in the world would have seen but James seemed to have some sort of extra sense when it came to finding Lily Evans. Sirius raised an eyebrow as James tried to surreptitiously sit straighter in hopes of seeing where she was headed, but ended up making it painfully obvious. 'She's coming over here you blind git' Sirius muttered, standing up.

James frowned and turned to Sirius 'Where are you going?'

Sirius rolled his eyes 'I'm not staying and watching while you bow down to Evans, I'd rather not feel nauseous today.' His eyes drifted to where Lily was heading up the stands, her head down as the wind whipped her hair 'Good luck mate, I can already see her demeanor breaking. It's only time' and with a final wink, he headed towards the castle.

James all of a sudden felt extremely awkward as she headed towards him. Did he put his hands in his pockets? Did he stand up or stay seated? While he was busy stressing, Lily took it upon herself to take a seat next to him and make him immediately forget about his worries. Her cheeks were red from the cold, and she was wearing a deep green coat that made her eyes look like they couldn't possibly be real. Her petite frame made James feel massive, her head reaching his shoulder as they both leaned back on the bench. She had her shoulders tightened, and her legs crossed, obviously extremely cold 'We can go inside and chat if you'd prefer' he motioned a lazy finger towards the castle.

Lily shook her head, uncrossing her legs and making herself seem like she wasn't cold. James wasn't fooled. 'Lily come on, it's freezing out here and you're-'

'I'm not cold' she interrupted 'Not at all, it's quite nice out here actually. I love autumn' she gave him a gentle smile and he couldn't disagree with it's beauty.

'So you came out in the cold to come talk to me, I feel like I did something wrong?' He asked in a playful tone, causing her to laugh,

'No, I felt suffocated by the end of the day and needed time to clear my head. After a long day of taking notes and being surrounded by people my head tends to get really full. I didn't even plan on talking to you, I just saw you up here and decided it was better than sitting alone. I guess Sirius didn't feel like talking to me?'

James chewed his tongue. Obviously James wasn't the only person who took note of that. 'He doesn't dislike you' he told her carefully. Lily gave him a look of disbelief and he sighed. 'Okay, he doesn't have a good reason to dislike you, so he _shouldn't _dislike you'

'But he does'

'Yeah….But seriously Lily, don't take it personally. Sirius is a prat sometimes, and he's not good at making friends or even being friendly for that matter with anyone he's not sexually attracted to. He just… has this idea of you that he's made up in his head, but it's not correct'

Lily began fiddling with her white knit gloves, but to James's relief didn't seem upset 'He doesn't like me because I was mean to you all those years'

'No-' James went to argue with what she said, although deep down he knew it was true, but Lily kept talking

'And I'm completely okay with that. He's your best friend, and he's obviously going to dislike the girl who was terribly mean to you for 6 years.'

'You weren't mean to me Lily.'

'Yes I was'

'Declining dates is considered mean?'

She gave him an exasperated look and he chuckled 'I could've handled the situations better James, instead of screaming at you and getting angry at you. Just…Just let Sirius know that I'm not as small-minded as I used to be, only seeing you as that attention-seeking little boy. I've grown up, and realized that people change, and tell him that I consider you a good friend now and that I think quite highly of you' she gave him a sweet smile and he felt his head spin. How was it that he could talk to her like she was just another friend, like he was talking to Remus of Sirius, but just suddenly feel the intense urge to take her in his arms and snog her senseless? 'James?' she leant towards him with a frown, meaning he had zoned out for a moment.

He blinked a couple times, shifting slightly away since she had moved closer. She made it _extremely _hard for him to stay in the friend zone. 'Okay, I'll tell him that' he confirmed.

She looked relieved. They sat in silence, watching the now empty Quidditch pitch, the colors of the setting sun played along the edges and created a glow that could warm even the coldest of hearts. James's hands were now completely numb, and his face was stinging, but he didn't want to ruin the moment or any moment he could spend in her presence. 'We should go back inside for dinner he said finally, if he stayed out any longer his hands wouldn't be able to function. She turned to him and looked almost shocked, as if she forgot he was there. Recovering quickly, she nodded and stood up. James glanced at her, in the past few minutes as she was looking out at the pitch she looked upset like she had in the morning when he saw her. Her lips tightened and she had a pained look, her body looking if it had just stiffened. James vowed not to forget to bring it up during patrols as they walked towards the Great Hall. 'Thanks for sitting out there with me' she said, walking through the Great Hall doors that James's held open. He caught up with her

'What do you mean? It was my pleasure' he tried to catch her gaze but she kept looking down and away.

'I'm serious James, thank you. I know you didn't want to be outside and you were freezing to death so just shut up and accept my thanks' she looked up and gave him a forced smile before looking away and saying in rushed words 'you know what, I have tons of homework. I'm just going to eat later.' James frowned and opened his mouth to intercept, but she nodded curtly and turned away, quickly walking out of the Great Hall and leaving James standing alone, thoroughly perplexed by her change of emotion.

'Mate, you coming to eat or what?' Sirius called out, waving a chicken leg around and earning mildly disgusted looks. James sighed and walked over, taking a seat opposite Sirius and beside Peter. He scanned the table of food, pretending to decide what to eat but really just using all his self-control not to follow Lily. Something was obviously bothering her, dating back to on the train the first day of school. Something had happened over the summer, and although she was set on hiding it from everyone, James was dedicated to find out.

'You going to eat or what?' Peter nudged James, asking through a mouthful of food. He nodded, reaching forward and taking random pieces of food and setting it on his plate. While doing so, he noticed Sirius watching him with a frown. When James gave him a questioning look he shook his head in disbelief,

'I can't believe it, she actually stayed up cause she was worried about you'

Peter looked back between the other three boys, absolutely confused, as did Remus but after a few moments of silence he caught on. 'That's why you look so chipper. You got healed properly' he added, looking mildly impressed.

James's eyes drifted to the boys. Remus had fresh cuts on his face, and a bruise along his jaw but otherwise seemed just a bit sore. His gaze drifted over to Sirius who had a bruise on his eye that looked quite painful, although most girls were probably not able to keep their eyes off him. There were scratches down his neck and James knew more on his chest, but with clothes he didn't look to bad off. James on the other side came out with nothing thanks to Lily, despite a bit of soreness in his right leg, she was to thank. He shrugged and said in a monotone voice 'She's a good healer, I recommend it'

Peter snorted into his drink, although James implied to no real humor in his words. Sirius still looked a bit bothered but the conversation ended with that and everyone returned to different conversations.

'All good?' Remus leaned forward slightly and spoke to James in a hushed tone. James nodded, shoving a piece of chicken into his mouth. 'Is Lily okay?'

Sometimes Remus was too observant for his own good. James gave him a look 'Your snooping'

'I'm worried' he looked slightly hurt

James finished chewing his chicken and realized that he needed to stop doing that. Whenever something happened with Lily, or anyone, he would just shut himself off and keep everyone at arms length. Remus was only ever trying to help James, but he always shoved him away. 'Something's wrong with her, I'm going to ask her during patrols. I don't know, she seemed fine before but just suddenly got upset.'

Remus nodded, a slight frown on his face. 'I heard something happened between her family during the summer'

'From who?'

Remus motioned over to where Lily's best friend Ella was sitting. Ella was a very outspoken, funny girl who got along with everyone. James had rarely talked to her, only earning annoyed glares usually after bothering Lily, but he could tell that she was nothing like Lily. She liked boys almost as much as Sirius liked girls, and rarely did schoolwork, barely passing all her classes. From what he heard, they knew each other from the muggle neighborhood they lived in as children and stayed close all throughout Hogwarts. It occurred to him that befriending Ella was probably on his to do list if he wanted to win Lily over. 'I overheard Ella talking to Marlene in the common room the other day and they were talking about how they were worried about her'

James clenched his jaw in anger. They were her best friends, if they knew what happened then shouldn't they be supporting her and making her feel better?

The rest of dinner went by quickly. Remus left early to finish homework in the library, and Sirius, Peter and James headed towards the common room to play some chess before bed and patrols. Their game of chess was light-hearted and full of laughter. A crowd started forming around their game, earning cheers from their peers and extra playful tension. They were all in high spirits, and it was like the days James always imagined he would have during 7th year. Eventually the crowd diminished and the students went up to their dormitories for bed. Remus came back from the library, and the Marauders were the only students left in the common room with a small fire crackling. They had moved to the couches where Sirius and Remus were lounged out on the maroon sofa, James sitting at their feet and Peter on the chair next to them.

'I can't believe this is our last year' Peter said sadly

Sirius made a noise of annoyance 'Come on Pete, let's not get all emotional'

'Aren't you going to miss it?'

Sirius scoffed 'Well yeah, but think of everything outside Hogwarts. We're so protected in here, I can't wait to get out and experience everything'

Remus, who James thought had fallen asleep, spoke up in a sleep ridden voice 'I kind of like it here actually. It's all so easy here, I think being protected is a good thing. Just wait until you get out in the real world and realize that nothing was what you thought it would be and you'll be exposed to all sorts of danger'

'I'm going to be an auror, I _want _to be exposed to danger' Sirius argued

James whipped around in shock 'You didn't tell me that'

Sirius frowned 'What? Yeah I did, a long time ago'

James shook his head 'No you didn't, did you know that's what I'm doing?'

Sirius rolled his eyes 'Only about ¾ of our grade knows that Prongs, you tell everyone. But I'm not just going to be an auror, 'ole Dumbledore told me last year about the Order Of The Phoenix'

'What's that?' Peter asked

'It's an order made by Dumbledore for people who want to fight Voldemort. You know, all those good people. Dumbledore and all his army members, it's the best army to fight with. He told me to think about it and ever since I can't imagine doing anything other'

James turned around and faced the fire, mildly annoyed that Sirius never told him any of that, but also intrigued. That seemed like exactly what he dreamed of doing. Fighting with the good guys to defeat the bad guys and make the world a better, safer place. It seemed kind of perfect.

'You're thinking of joining now aren't you' Remus commented drily

'Yeah I am' he replied sheepishly

'Honestly though, I can't imagine anyone better suited for that then you and Sirius' Remus said sincerely. 'And on that note, I'm off to bed, Pete you coming?'

Peter nodded and stood up alongside Remus 'I agree, you two could do a lot of great things if you worked with the good guys' he gave the two a smile before following Remus upstairs.

There was a moment of silence before Sirius slid onto the ground beside James, pulling up his legs. 'I could see it'

James didn't need to ask to understand what he was talking about 'So could I'

'A lot of people are going to say we're stupid and reckless…especially your mum'

James chuckled 'My mum will blow a fucking casket, but it's what I want to do'

'What do you think Lily would say?'

'No clue. I'll tell her tonight and see what she says'

'She's warming up to you now isn't she' Sirius didn't say it in an accusatory tone; he was saying it as an observation.

James smiled 'Yeah she is mate, I really think I have a chance with her now that's she's giving me the time of day'

Sirius nodded for a moment 'I'm happy for you Prongs. Even though Evans isn't my favorite person, she's not actually half bad and I reckon she could give you a run for your money'

James's smile grew as he watched Sirius retreat into their dormitory, he had never given her a compliment before, and even though it wasn't the sweetest compliment, it was a start.


	9. Chapter 9

By the time Sirius left to go to bed, it was time for James to meet Lily in front of the library for rounds. As James walked down the empty corridor he had to resort to counting and taking slow breathes because he could feel himself quickly reaching hysteria. He didn't know _why _he was so nervous. Well, he was always nervous around Lily, but this time he was _really_ nervous. Maybe it was because he had more to lose now. Before, the worst that could happen was big ears, or green teeth, but now it was their newfound friendship that was on the line. Something he was determined to never lose.

Lily wasn't anywhere in sight when he got there, which was odd considering her desire to get places 10 minutes early. He gave her twenty minutes before checking the map. He gave her twenty minutes because he trusted her and he believed that she was late for a good reason, and checking the map would be a violation of her privacy and should be only used in emergencies. So he stood in front of the library, earning confused glances by passerbies, and made a list of every possible reason why Lily could be late. She could have fallen asleep, Ella could have been upset and needed comforting, she could have become violently ill and was in the bathroom throwing up, and of course the other possibilities that James really didn't want to imagine, like she no longer wanted to be friends with James and was letting him know like this, or she was currently cuddling with a smart Ravenclaw in the common room. The last one abruptly ended James's brainstorm of ideas, and made him feel mildly nauseous. Her twenty minutes had ended and James had changed positions from standing, leaning against the wall, to sitting with his back against the wall, legs sprawled out in front of him. With a pounding heart, he opened the map and whispered the magic words. His eyes automatically landed on her dormitory, where her name wasn't apparent. Next, he looked in the Hospital Wing and she wasn't there either. With a frown, his eyes scanned the entire map loosely, just searching for her name until finally he found it. He felt as if someone had landed a fist right in his gut, and twisted it around so that the pain was lengthened. He couldn't breathe. He felt tears spring in his eyes, and quickly blinked them away. His throat constricted and the map's words spun in front of him. Lily wasn't hurt. Lily was perfectly all right. She was in Peter Vance's dormitory, and James had the feeling that they weren't studying.

He didn't patrol that night, of course. If he were to patrol, any people he encountered would have been in the hospital wing for weeks, at least. He managed to make it to his bed that night, feeling a pain in his chest that he had never experienced before, and ignoring Sirius's sleepy questions, fell into bed and squeezed his eyes shut. He barely slept a wink that night either and as much as he tried to block out the idea of Lily and Peter Vance together in his room, he just couldn't. He couldn't imagine someone touching Lily, kissing her as he had always imagined him doing. Of course, he's not naïve, he knew that Lily was never short of admirers, and took a liking to a fair bunch of them, but they never bothered him too much because Lily never really knew the real him then. Now, now it was worse because she _knew_ the real him and she _still _wasn't interested. So his night was spent wondering what it was about it. Was it his looks? No, Lily wasn't that superficial, and Peter Vance definitely wasn't that great looking. Was it his intelligence? Couldn't be, he was one of the top males in his year, and he hardly even paid attention in his classes. Was it his group of friends? No, Lily adored Remus, and although she wasn't a fan of Sirius, if she really liked James that wouldn't stop her. He wasn't arrogant anymore, he didn't hex, he treated people nicely and he was making an effort to be responsible. It made him so damn _frustrated. _They were perfect for each other, even his friends thought so, but she just didn't see it.

The next morning was a hard one. Getting out of bed was difficult, associating with people was difficult, avoiding his friend's questions was difficult, walking towards his doom was difficult. Why did he have to take the same Defense class as Lily? He was walking alongside Remus who was the only one out the Marauders who had first period with James. He was smart enough not to say anything about James's obviously temperamental mood. James got to class, and took his place at the very back of the class, sitting down with a scowl, crossing his arms and saying nothing. He could see Remus sigh softly and sit down next to him, giving the people who were watching warning glances so they would look away. Fuck, Remus was a great friend.

Lily was already sitting down; of course, because she's _always _early, but only if she's actually going to show up. He saw her glance at him as he walked in, and immediately turned ghostly pale and hastily turned around. That didn't help his mood. He stayed quiet and fuming during the entire class as they went over defense tactics in battle, until Professor Grounder asked a question that gave James inspiration. 'Can someone tell me what the advantages of a defense shield are?'

James saw Lily's hand move; obviously on it's way to being raised, but James threw his hand up before hers could even reach shoulder height. The Professor looked surprised at James's participation, mostly because he never contributed, but recovered quickly 'Yes Mr. Potter?'

James stood up, an action that was completely unnecessary but added to the overall effect. All the students had now turned around to him with curious glances, but James looked directly at Lily, and although she was looking everywhere but him a pinched look, his eyes didn't waver. 'Well sir, one of the advantages of a defense shield is that you can't get hurt. No one can touch you, so no one can get under your skin and then rip you apart. It's so that no one can make you feel so enamored, but to then make you realize that it was all a show and that they never really cared about your well being, you were just a pawn in the bigger picture.' He was now spitting the words out angrily, and Professor Grounder looked mildly affronted but said nothing 'You should put up the shield, because without it, the most perfect angel can get in your radar and make you rethink everything you once believed in, and make you absolutely bonkers. But turns out the angel was never really an angel, it was just the devil painted white' and with that, James grabbed his bag and marched out of the room, ignoring the gasps of his fellow students and cries of his Professor.

He was fuming. He felt as if he had taken the hot pepper Bernie Botts flavor, and was now experiencing its effects. 'James! James, please, James stop walking. Just wait!' a voice called out, slightly breathless.

James felt his entire stomach turn over. He had a moment of panic where he experienced an internal battle between his urge to stop and snog her senseless and to keep walking and just forget about the red headed angel completely. Eventually, the latter won over and his legs kept moving. Sad enough, the girl of 5'1 was able to catch up with him, grab him by the wrist and spin him around to face her. He could have won that battle but realized that a part of him was waiting for Lily to tell him it was all a misunderstanding and all she ever wanted was _him_. Her face was red, and her wavy auburn hair was tied in a pleat down the side, the way he loved it. Swallowing his arising feelings, he hardened his face. 'What do you want Evans'

He could see how his words and tone affected her. It was as if someone had squeezed her, her entire being just shrunk until she seemed so fucking tiny that she was about to just break apart. Her green eyes turned to sad that James had to focus on a sport above her shoulder to stay angry. Why did she have to make it so hard for him to be angry? 'James' she said softly, scrunching her eyebrows together 'I'm sorry I wasn't there but I can explain'

James snorted bitterly 'Oh yeah? So how do you think you should start it?' And with a feeble, over exaggerated imitation of Lily's soft, soprano voice: 'Me and Peter Vance were in the same dormitory, late at night, but we _weren't _fooling around. We were just…baking cookies' he felt a bitter taste in his mouth.

Her mouth fell open slightly, her already pale face turning white. 'What…Where did…' she stuttered.

His heart dropped, she wasn't even denying it. 'Whatever. Do whatever the fuck you wish Evans, I really don't give a shit' he turned around and began to walk away.

Recovered from her initial stuttering, Lily continued walking 'No. No. James Potter, stop right there and talk to me. Don't walk away!' Her voice was slowly becoming hysterical. When he didn't stop walking she started again 'James! Oh stop acting like such a child, can we please just talk? I'm just really confused right now, I didn't do anything-'

James saw red. He whipped around 'Didn't do anything? You didn't fucking do anything? No, I'm pretty sure you did a lot last night, none of which involved me and patrols' he yelled.

Her face changed from fear, to anger in a matter of seconds. Pointing a finger at him, as she always did when angry, she began shouting 'You don't own me Potter. You can't dictate what I do and don't do. You didn't see me having a fit when you missed meetings, and you don't even know the _whole story'_

James threw his arms up in the air, the mixture of anger and hurt was making it hard to yell; he just wanted to go to his bed and sleep until this week was over. 'We're _friends_ Lily, friends _help _each other. Obviously you wouldn't know anything about being friends with guys, because all you do is _fuck them'_

The moment the words exited his mouth, he knew things were going to change. Lily looked like she didn't know whether to be furious, hurt, upset or humored. Instead, her face portrayed each one, creating a curious mixture of facial expressions that James would have laughed at in any other situation, but was too busy trying not to throw up to do any thinking. She began slowly turning redder and redder until her face matched her hair and she began shaking as tears glistened in her emerald eyes.

'Lily' he managed to croak out, an apology on the tip of his tongue. She shook her head furiously before stepping towards James, and although he knew what she was about to do he did nothing, because a part of him knew that this was how it was always going to end. He knew that he and Lily weren't going to keep a clean slate all year because James Potter never did what he was told, and Lily Evans was too good for a guy like him. It was inevitable. So as she stepped forward and let her hand collide with James's cheek, creating a loud crack in the silent air, James just took a step back and tried to think of something to say.

'_Never'_ she spat at him '_never_ speak to me again James Potter. You don't know the first thing about me and never will. _I hate you' _and before she spun away, James caught a tear fall from her eye.

'FUCK' he screamed once he finally realized what the hell had just happened. 'FUCK BLOODY FUCKING SHIT' and with a final furious kick at the wall he began to walk away when he ran into Snape who was leaning a few meters down, a lazy smirk on his long sunken face.

'What's the problem Potter?'

'Fuck you' he growled and tried to walk past, but Snape stepped out and blocked his path.

'I can't imagine it having anything to do with Evans, right?' his smirk grew, as did James's anger. 'Oh, touched a soft spot have I?' he wondered aloud, seeing James's reaction to his words.

Clenching his teeth until it hurt, he decided not to give Snape the satisfaction. He shoulder checked the Slytherin and continued down the corridor.

'It's alright Potter, life without the mudblood doesn't prove to be as difficult as it would seem' he called out, his voice mocking.

James stopped mid step. It was his initial reaction anytime someone uttered the word mudblood to stop and punch them until they were pleading for mercy, but thinking of Lily and Peter Vance together in bed kept him from reacting. 'Like hell you would know Snivellus, you still aren't over her.' He could feel Snape's fury in the silence that followed.

'Don't speak of things you know nothing about' he growled, his tone dangerously low.

James snorted, surprising not only Snape with this unexpected outburst of twisted amusement. 'Nothing about? I know nothing about how you caused Lily intense pain since sixth year?' The pain that Snape was trying to hide on his face fueled James. 'I know nothing about how you've wanted her forgiveness since you uttered the words _mudblood _but are now to proud and caught up with power to do anything about it? I know nothing about how Lily misses you like she misses a brother, but she's decided to forget and move on because she's tired of giving you chances? I know nothing about how every day for the rest of your life you are going to have to live with the fact that you not only lost the best thing that every happened to you, but that it was _your fault._ So don't tell me that I know nothing about it, because while you were making a mess out of your already fucked up life, I was getting closer to the only girl that's every paid attention to you'

Snapes face had grown red, close to a purple color. He took a long step towards James, close enough that when he extended his wand, it touched James's chest. He was shorter than James, not by much, but his wiry frame compared to James's muscular build made all the difference. James felt on the upper hand. He was angry, ready for a fight, larger, more athletic, and much better with spells. 'Don't embarrass yourself Snivellus' he taunted, enjoying himself. He hadn't done this for a long time now, but now that he had lost Lily, he might as well go all out.

Snape pressed the wand harder, surely leaving a mark. His face was ugly with fury, but as we all know, James doesn't do as he's told. 'It's a known fact around school that you have yet to win a duel' he continued, a haughty grin appearing on his face.

'You-' Snape began, his voice broken with anger,

'Oh you greasy git, it must be hard being you. You know, no future, no talent…no _girl'_ James knew that would set him off. He said the words with a levicorpus in mind, or maybe even something hard enough to knock him against the wall. What he didn't expect, was a green light that sent him flying against the wall, but also cause a searing pain along his stomach that he knew wasn't just any curse. Luckily, he hadn't been knocked out, and he summoned just enough force to open his eyes. Snape was staring at him, shaking from head to toe.

'You think you're all that Potter' he spat, 'but you'll see that you're not as wonderful as you seem to think you are' and with that, he spun around and marched away. James's head was spinning, and he was gasping with pain but too afraid to check the damage. He was stupid and reckless, of that he was aware, but he also felt a sort of odd satisfaction. _Take that Lily _he thought, closing his eyes and feeling his conscious slip away _I don't need you, I don't need to be a better person for you. I'm done trying to be the guy you want me to be, because let's face it, this guy right here is all I'm ever going to be._

'You know, it's funny. You weren't at all bothered _before _he almost died' a sarcastic voice brought James out of slumber. He opened his eyes slightly, wincing as the light infiltrated his eyelids. He was confused. Those weren't the hospital wing lights. Turning his head slightly, he realized that he was in his own bed, Sirius and Lily were standing a few feet away, and his stomach _fucking hurt._

'What's funny is how you seem to think you understand me Black' Lily replied, her tone equally unfriendly. James looked around but saw no signs of anyone else. Why was his brain so foggy and why couldn't he remember anything?

Sirius made a noise of frustration and walked around Lily to take a seat on his own bed. Lily turned to face him but her face was pinched and pale. With a sigh, she uncrossed her arms and took a seat next to Sirius. 'Look, I know you have perfectly valid reasons to dislike me-'

'Bloody hell I do'

Lily gave him a hard look '_And_ I'm completely understanding of that. But I just…I'm closer with James now and I do care about him. Contrary to popular belief' a wry smile appeared on her face.

Sirius didn't even crack a smile 'Fuck Evans, this is why I don't like you'

Lily frowned

'You're hot then you're cold. You hate his guts and scream at him one day, and the next you act like all you want to do is get into bed with him.' Lily made a face 'You're messing with him and I honestly don't think you even realize it and it fucking makes me furious. James would do literally anything for you, and you just play around with him like he means nothing'

James watched as Lily's face turned red in humiliation? Anger?

'I just… I don't get what your plan is' Sirius told her, his voice not as sharp.

Lily sighed and closed her eyes. 'I want to be friends with him Sirius, I really honestly truly do, and we have become really close friends in the past few months. But I can't forgive him right now, what he said last night hurt me really bad'

Sirius rolled his eyes 'Snivellus calls you a _mudblood_ in front of a huge crowd, and it takes you three years to finally decide to not forgive him but Prongs makes one mistake, after you treating him fucking terribly and it's the end for him? How is that fair'

'This isn't about fair' she argued

'This is about how you feel about James, that's all this is really about' he retorted.

James was wide-awake now. Still confused, but wide-awake and smart enough not to say anything.

Lily clenched her jaw 'How I feel is none of your business' she muttered.

Sirius shook his head 'I don't understand you. Why does everything have to be so complicated? James likes you, that's a fact, and I honestly think you could like him, so why can't it end there?'

Lily gave him an exasperated look 'Why can't we just be friends?'

'Why can't you like him?'

'Because!' she cried, throwing her arms up. 'Because _this_ guy isn't _my_ guy' she pointed towards James's unmoving form.

There was silence. Sirius said nothing, and James swore he could hear his own heart breaking.

'You're a bitch' Sirius said finally, his voice cold and furious.

Lily began to look very upset 'Please, I just…. Everyone's telling me who I should like, and what I should do. _He's not the guy for me, _yet no one listens to what _I want.'_

'Why isn't he the guy for you?'

'Do you honestly think we'd be good together?' Sirius gave her an exasperated look, 'well we wouldn't!' she cried 'it would be easy at first, but eventually he'd get angry at me for going to the library instead of sitting by the lake, and I'd get angry at him for playing pranks and missing classes, and I'd get jealous of how much time he'd spend with his Marauders, and he'd get angry at me for missing Severus. And eventually, the fact that I always need to be on time, tidied, and well prepared, would drive him _insane. _And his need for adventure, his unpredictability and his carefree attitude would drive me insane' her voice got louder and louder. 'It wouldn't work. It just wouldn't work.'

'So that's why you decide to slum it with Peter Vance instead of just outright telling me how you felt?' James asked in a steely voice, sitting up in bed. Both Lily and Sirius whipped around in surprise, the color draining from the formers face.

'James' she started, but James stood up, swaying slightly

'No' he interrupted angrily 'I'm talking now and you're going to bloody well listen okay?' She nodded mutely, and Sirius turned away to hide the smile that was blooming on his face. 'I was always clear that I wanted more from our friendship'

'No you weren't' she argued.

James ran an angry hand through his messy hair and Lily let out a breath 'Ok look' she said, more softly than before. 'I didn't know you still liked me okay? I honestly, swear on Merlin _did not know. _And I did not _slum it _with Peter Vance, although you seem to believe that'

James caught Sirius's eyes and Sirius stuffed his hands in his pockets 'Alright, well time for me to go' he walked past James and gave a reassuring pat on his shoulder 'remember, violence is not the answer and…and safe sex is great sex' and with a final wink, he sauntered out of the room.

James turned back to Lily, who seemed incredibly tiny all of a sudden, and he couldn't find his anger anywhere anymore. With a sigh, he sat down on the edge of the bed and hung his head 'I don't know what's going on anymore Lil's, with us, and with everything'

Lily was silent for a moment before coming forward, but not yet sitting down. 'I only just wanted to be friends with you James, I really liked our friendship and I hold you in high regards'

'But?'

She made a noise of annoyance 'But all anyone has ever done is pressure me to _date James Potter _and listen to _Oh you and James would be perfect, why don't you just go out?_ And no one has ever asked me who _I _want to date'

'Well maybe if you actually thought of just how bloody much I care about you, you might think differently of me' he said in a harsh tone, raising his head to look at her.

She frowned at him 'James-'

'What where you doing with Peter Vance last night?'

'How the hell do you even know I was with him?' she cried in exasperation

'That doesn't matter. I know you were, and I want to know why'

'You aren't my father' she muttered angrily 'but if it helps you sleep at night, he saw me walking down to meet you and noticed that I looked really upset. So he invited me up to his dorm to talk about it, and time passed more quickly than I expected. When I was finished, I still went to look for you but you left' she looked downright furious now 'so I was not _sleeping around _like you think I am, but it's _flattering_ that you think I'm that kind of person'

James frowned, processing this information. 'Why were you upset?' he met her green eyes. He was no longer angry with her, but now angry with himself for not being there for her. _He _was the one she was supposed to vent to, he was supposed to be her shoulder to cry on. He had promised himself he'd find out what was going on in her life, and he broke the promise.

Lily sat down next to James, sitting on the middle of the bed and crossing her legs. James rotated, so that he could match her position. She was frowning, and playing with a thread on her pants. 'A lot of stuff has been going on with me this year' she started hesitantly. She looked up at James who gave her a nod of reassurance, and she continued with more confidence 'During the summer, my sister Petunia got engaged. She's only 18, but apparently she found _the one' _she rolled her eyes, obviously not in agreement with her sister. James knew Lily had a sister, but knew nothing more than that. 'She was my best friend when we were kids' she explained to him, now meeting his eyes 'we did everything together, but then I got my Hogwarts letter and everything just changed. It separated us, I lost her trust and in her words, I left her behind'

'That's not fair of her to say that' James protested

Lily shrugged in agreement 'I know, but she just…she felt betrayed. Like I chose this life over her and my family. And in a way I did. I did' she said forcefully, noticing James's mouth opening with a protest. 'I'm not saying I regret it, but I can see it from her eyes. So anyways, this summer she and Vernon, her fiancée, and I were all at my parents house. It was terrible' she shook her head, and her eyes turned sad. 'I kept trying to talk to her, but she would just turn a blind eye. She looks at me like I'm a disease or something'

'Lily' he said gently, reaching forward. He didn't know what he was going to say, but he felt like he had to say _something. _

Lily shook her head, building strength to continue the story she seemed to want to finish. 'So my summer was shitty in other words' she let out a breath that sounded like it wanted to be a laugh 'but the worst part was the day we boarded the train. I had my bags packed, and I was at the door. Tunie came up to me, and for a moment I thought she was going to apologize, and everything would go back to normal. But instead she just looked at me, like she didn't even recognize me anymore, and she just said _you are no longer my sister. Me and Vernon have decided that you aren't invited to our wedding, and we don't want to have you do anything with our family and longer'_ Lily's face scrunched up like she was about to cry. James took that as his cue to crawl over to her side of the bed and put an arm around her, pulling her into the crook of his neck.

'She doesn't know what she's missing Lil's. She's missing the greatest sister, and the best girl in the world. It's her loss'

Lily sniffled, and James could feel her shake. 'I just wish it wasn't either or'

James tilted his head down so that he could see her. The top of her head only reached the bottom of his chin, and her small figure seemed miniscule in his arms. It felt perfect. Honestly perfect. 'It doesn't have to be. But she chose it to be' he wish he could be more reassuring, but he knew Lily wasn't one to dance around and knew she appreciated blunt.

She ran a hand over her tear stained face. 'Sorry for crying all over you. It's a bad habit'

James let out a chuckle. 'Not one that's going to be broken anytime soon I hope'

There was silence for enough time for James to begin regretting his words. 'Lily-' he began the apology, but she interrupted him.

'I hated you for the longest time'

'Er…'

She ignored him completely. 'I hated you for your arrogance, the way you treated Severus. I hated the fact that you got away with anything, your money, the ease at which you excelled in subjects, your friendship. I hated you until I got to know you. Until this year I guess. Because I realized that you weren't the guy I thought you out to be. Well no, you were that guy, but you were also many different guys' she groaned 'I'm not making any sense'

James smiled 'No, no I get it.' He thought about it for a moment. 'You hated one of my faces. And sadly enough, that was the face I put on to impress you. Obviously it didn't work'

Lily gave him a sad smile 'I'm sorry James'

'Come on, we've already been over this'

'No I know. I just… I wish I could have seen this' she gestured to the two of them 'this face a long time ago'

'So do I' James couldn't help but admit. But, he realized, it didn't matter that she only just enjoyed him in the last year. The only thing that mattered to him was that she was sitting in his embrace _now. _

Lily let out a long breath. A breath that held all her frustrations, everything she hid inside her, everything she wanted to say but didn't. It occurred to James that Lily's public face showed perfection. Everyone saw her as a girl who had everything; the looks, the intelligence, the attitude, the popularity. But she didn't just have one face. She had hidden faces of frustration, hurt, insecurity, just like James. 'You've got to stop pretending everything's always perfect Lily' he told her seriously.

She frowned 'I don't'

'Yes you do. You don't let people in when you're hurting. The day on the Express, you could have let me in but instead pretended you were alright even when I knew you weren't okay'

Lily shuffled out of his embrace so that their crossed knees were touching, and they were facing each other. She brushed a stray hair behind her ear and James caught himself staring. He didn't understand how a girl could be so beautiful after she had just been crying. 'People come to me for positivity. I'm the girl who tells you everything's going to be fine, and life's good. I'm not the girl who cries herself to sleep because her sister hates her, and she misses her best friend who doesn't give a shit about her'

James was immediately tempted to say nothing about him and Snape's encounter, but then understood that if he said nothing, then Lily would go on living thinking she was to blame. 'Snape still cares greatly about you' he said, the words not easily coming out of his mouth.

She looked surprised

'I ran into him last night. And I can tell you that he cares about you just as much as you care about him. He just knows that by pushing you away, he's protecting you from what he's gotten himself into'

Lily bit her lip. He couldn't decide if she was going to cry again, or if she was just thinking. 'That should make me feel better' she pointed out wryly, letting out a little laugh.

James smirked slightly 'Well yeah, I kind of hoped it would. But you know, he chose his path. Even when you were giving him a perfectly acceptable path to follow, he chose the other one. And that's no one's fault but his. There was _nothing more you could do_ and I don't want you feeling guilty for what he's getting himself into. You did all you could, and he's an adult who makes his own decisions. Yeah, I wish he chose your path for your sake, but he didn't. And he's not worth even half of you for that'

Lily was watching him closely as he spoke, and her gaze didn't go unnoticed. Frankly, it made his neck start to go warm and he had trouble not turning bright red. 'What?' he demanded finally, looking away from her unwavering eyes.

She didn't move, shaking her head slightly in a way that looked like disbelief.

He pulled further away, not meeting her eyes. He fought the redness that was creeping into his cheeks, and forced himself to look unbothered. 'Lily, why the hell are you looking at me like that?' he finally demanded, bringing a hand up to his hair and grabbing a tuff.

And then it happened. In all less than 5 seconds, Lily had moved forward, James had stayed motionless, unaware of what she was doing, and she _pressed her lips to his. _She wrapped her arm around his neck and pulled him close, moving her lips on his. It took him about half a second to realize what had just happened, and about the same time before responding with fever. His head felt light, and if Lily hadn't been holding him close, he didn't think he could have sat up straight.

She made her way onto his lap, his legs were outstretched and she was sitting sideways. James wrapped his hands around her waist, savoring the feel of her tiny waist beneath his large hands. Part of him couldn't fucking believe it, _he was kissing Lily Evans, _but the other part of him knew that it must be a prank. There was no way she was kissing him.

After however long-James had no idea how much time had passed-Lily pulled away slowly. James opened his eyes to see the most beautiful sight he had ever seen in his life. And that was Lily Evans after being kissed by him. Her hair was mussed, slightly out of place on the right side, her eyes were heavy lidded and slightly glazed, and her lips, her beautiful pink lips, were slightly swollen from being in so much contact with James's. She was _beautiful. _Absolutely beautiful.

As James was taking her in with a lump in his throat, her face had gone from blissfully unaware, to horror. 'James' she started, pulling away 'I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was-'

Truthfully, James probably shouldn't have kissed her again. But let's remember, James Potter doesn't do what he's told.

_**Last Day Of Seventh Year**_

'Prongs stop it'

'Moony move your leg, it's touching mine'

'I'm hungry…'

'What the hell Pete? We just ate breakfast 10 minutes ago'

'Shit it's hot out here'

'James I can feel your hand moving lower, don't think I won't blast you off these bleachers'

'You're so beautiful when you're annoyed'

'Git'

'EVERYONE BE QUIET. PLEASE' Professor McGonagall's sonorous cast voice caught everyone's attention. Lily and the Marauders stopped their bantering and paid close attention. It was the last day of seventh year, better known as graduation day. They had started the day with a large end of the year feast, and were no trying to get everyone to take a photo while standing in the bleachers of the Quidditch field. Obviously that wasn't going well. It was hot, there were too many people, and they were all forced to stand incredibly close together. James, Sirius, Peter, Remus and Lily were in the second last row. Peter was squeezed tightly on the end of the line, straining to look taller so he could be seen in the picture. Thinking back to first year, James could easily say that Peter had changed the most. He had gone from a pudgy, pale, rat-like boy, to a tan, more muscular, confident lad. He now wasn't afraid to smile, and although he still ate just as much, he was aware of workouts and weights. James was happy to see his friend with more confidence, giving him a better chance to get people to see just how great he truly was. Remus was on the far end beside Peter, watching his friends with a bemused smile. Despite the thin scars on his face, and his getting-too-long-hair, Remus had attracted female attention from the very beginning. James guessed it was the mysterious factor, but also the fact that his smile could make anyone feel instantly better. Remus had grown more confident also, James mused. He was painfully shy first year, and although now he was still reserved, he had a much larger circle of friends and smiled a lot more too. James couldn't help but wonder what kind of person Remus would be if they had never met and became friends. He seemed to stand straighter, after all those years of constant support and reassurance and trying to convince him that he was not to blame, it must have finally gotten through to him. Sirius was between Remus and James. There were already two girls in the other row craning their necks to get a glimpse of his gray eyes, but his thoughts were elsewhere. He had his hands shoved into his robe and was trying hard to look annoyed, but James could see the hidden pleasure behind his mask. Out of all of them, James knew that Sirius was the most afraid of leaving Hogwarts. He acted like all he wanted to do was leave, but he was afraid of having the responsibility on him; something he really wasn't used to. James wasn't worried about his best friend though, because he knew that they would all stick together and help each other even after Hogwarts. Lily was standing on the end beside James. Her hair was tied back in a neat plait, and she was smiling grandly at nothing in particular. Their hands were intertwined, and even after 6 months James still felt a flutter in his stomach when she placed her smaller fingers in his. He still found her as beautiful as he did they first day he fell in love her. Hell, in some ways even more beautiful. Each time he learned something small or insignificant about her, he fell harder; like how she wiggled her foot when she was focused, or how she bit her lip when she lied, or how she took long, purposeful strides. She glanced at him and noticed his gaze, giving him a cheeky grin before turning back to the camera. James couldn't help but smile at her, he could have never imagined the perfection of that moment. He never imagined graduating from Hogwarts with a perfect girl who he was madly in love with, a group of great friends and plans of being an Auror with his girl. It was hard sometimes, this was true; sometimes he was close to giving up on it all. But in the end, it really was worth it.


End file.
